I’m finally trying to get the hang of blogging via WordPress’ tutelage, and one of the questions I need to address is who I am writing for [and about what]. That’s an especially tough question for me, because my interests are so far-flung. I write–a lot of different stuff–I think because I was never listened to until a rehab counselor who became alarmed at my sudden torrent of tears in his office referred me to a master psychotherapist right there and then, making a contact on the phone during the session.
So, I write in response to folks I empathize with, and almost all of them are struggling with some sort of problem at the cusp of growth and change. My mind is like a billiard table, with thoughts, ideas, questions and “what-if’s” rolling around inside my head almost constantly, by myself. I’m lonely for intellectual stimulation. I was most alive in graduate school, studying psychology, where everything and everybody was a glorious mystery.
I know I have too many pages on my blog, but still I probably need to make a separate one for politics, because I keep getting waylaid by someone’s political savvy. My page on Relief is pure bliss, for those into bliss, and the two on Secrets really reveal the wide range of things I’m curious about. But none of that addresses the question of who I’m writing for–what kind of followers would find my blog most compatible with their experiences and interests? I probably shouldn’t have revealed my age–that’s an automatic downer, but too late to re-think that. Talking about my book is also a downer, I think–everybody who blogs seems to have written a book. Most bloggers I have read seem to have suffered from more heartless incest than I did. I can’t relate to the yearning or jilted lover population, and I don’t cook; never did, really.
I can despise myself as much as any blogger, but that’s a downer for others and not fun, even for me, to read. Obviously my experience with a Downs syndrome child (one page) didn’t light any fires. So if I’m not aware of who I’m writing for, why write? It reminds me of my 20 years of volunteering as a public access television producer, when almost no one ever watched that channel. So–it’s probably back to the question of why I never reached “my potential.” Since I was licensed to practice clinical psychology in two states, received a Ph.D., and received top-drawer psychotherapy for myself, I am reluctant to admit that I still bear the traces of the sexual abuse (from my father) and the verbal abuse (from my mother). I don’t want others to know that even the best psychotherapy still leaves some of the damage untouched.
As Briere (1996, 84) said of survivors, they will never not have been abused–the past will continue as memories, and it will always be part of her life.
Although I look okay on the surface, I am the only one who is aware of the shortcomings, inadequacies and even diseased places within. I’ll have to go and meditate a little more to put that into words for readers who may in turn have empathy for me.