Life can give us flowers.

Life overflowing…

NOT MY SECRET...overcoming the shame of sexual abuse

My daughter reminded me this morning about how our dog Molly used to pick blackberries with her teeth. Every year we looked forward to blackberry season. We took her to the prairie with us one road over that was lined with wildblackberry bushes. My daughter and I brought bowls to collect the berries. Molly would pick the red, unripened ones, with her front teeth. It was just the cutest thing ever. She was one of a kind!


In the Molly era we used to go to a farm on a daily basis. We helped feed the animals, helped rehab any wildlife that was injured, and overall just loved being there. We could fill every afternoon with these animals. My most beloved animal of the farm was Tomas. Tomas was a turkey. Here is a picture of Tomas being held by my daughter, as a baby.


My daughter could stroke his…

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Walking in Circles – A Re-blog

Poetry, Short Prose and Walking

From the distance of a lifetime, a spiral describes it better, but the smaller ones seem circular to me like when walking from one side of the room to the other, turning around and then walking back. Or, walking to the library, standing tall with shoulders back so the air can more easily enter my lungs and my eyes can look right at it, trying to realize, even when I can’t, that everywhere I am still able to go and everything greeting me on the way from sidewalks and apartments to trees and clouds are a gift from or a hint of heaven.

I think in circles as I walk in them. Sometimes I pop those thoughts and sometimes I enjoy them again and again like that ancient story of a man and his dog that keeps coming to mind. Perhaps they died much like my ex-brother-in-law who was found…

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On My Bookshelf — verse

ON MY BOOKSHELF….

On my bookshelf you can see

My inner self revealed to thee.

Maybe Hen’s Teeth and Horse’s Toes

Won’t go far to  show you me,

but Frames of Mind should give a hint

of where my time is largely spent.

Crack in the Cosmic Egg is from

my college days of yore– an alum

who still values Games People Play

and Alan Watts any old day.

User Illusion blew my mind

also Denial of Death in its kind,

and I  include for brilliance

the author of Consilience.

Sheldon Kopp told me what to do

if Buddha I should run into,

while The Dream and the Underworld

gave me frights; my sanity a whirl.

And here’s an old one we all knew

none other than Miss Nancy Drew.

So now you know me stem to stern.

What can I expect from you

in turn?

 

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What Dating My Visually Impaired Boyfriend Taught Me

Heart to heart writing–I can feel the love. I am re-blogging also.

fighting for mei

img_2760 While T’s disabilities don’t define him, they certainly impact his life and the remarkable person into which he’s evolved, which in turn has opened my eyes to a number of truths about the world and myself. My current boyfriend, T*, and I have been going out, off and on, for approximately a year and a half now. T is about as good-looking as they come–tall (maybe not conventionally, but being 5’1″, anything over 5’5″ is tall to me), with mocha-colored skin, a lean yet substantial frame, Crest-commercial smile,and arresting eyes framed by thick, dark brows and a luxurious sweep of lashes that would make any woman envious. He’s a networking security student who adores cars and computers and dreams of working for the FBI, DOD, or CIA, Hindu by birth, from a respectable andhighly educated Indian family.He’s kindhearted, resolute, hardworking, responsible, level-headed, sensitive, geeky, and compassionate. He’s my best friend…

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“There’s just nothing we can do” – Re-Blog

You are a sterling example of inspired willpower. Thank you! I’m re-blogging this.

NOT MY SECRET...overcoming the shame of sexual abuse

I have heard “There is just nothing we can do” too many times to mention. Most recently in regards to my health. As for my pain, “There is nothing we can do” as for my PTSD “There is nothing we can do” as for my muscle disease “There is nothing we can do” as for my bone disease “There is nothing we can do”. Now that was not prefaced with the “We have already tried EVERYTHING.” And yes, I tried many medications for pain, for PTSD, etc. I tried different modalities of healing: acupuncture, homeopathic, holistic, chinese herbs, you think of it? I have TRIED it! Not only have I tried it but I have had 11 years to sit here in this house and research what the Doctors don’t have time to. Because I just don’t accept “There is nothing we can do.”

When I first found out I…

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SECRETS KEPT SECRET? re trump

….There is more consequential IC pushback happening, too. Our spies have never liked Trump’s lackadaisical attitude toward the President’s Daily Brief, the most sensitive of all IC documents, which the new commander-in-chief has received haphazardly. The president has frequently blown off the PDB altogether, tasking Flynn with condensing it into a one-page summary with no more than nine bullet-points. Some in the IC are relieved by this, but there are pervasive concerns that the president simply isn’t paying attention to intelligence.

In light of this, and out of worries about the White House’s ability to keep secrets, some of our spy agencies have begun withholding intelligence from the Oval Office. Why risk your most sensitive information if the president may ignore it anyway? A senior National Security Agency official explained that NSA was systematically holding back some of the “good stuff” from the White House, in an unprecedented move. For decades, NSA has prepared special reports for the president’s eyes only, containing enormously sensitive intelligence. In the last three weeks, however, NSA has ceased doing this, fearing Trump and his staff cannot keep their best SIGINT secrets.

If the PDB was being boiled down by Flynn — before he was asked to resign as National Security Advisor for lying to the Vice President — to a single page with no more than 9 bullet points, the President really isn’t getting all the information anyway and the CIA Directory denying the “withhold” is practically meaningless when it’s the NSA holding sensitive information back, not neccesarily CIA.  But then again all of that is a perfect example of Trump lack of comprehension and understanding.

So despite including the denials, CBS still finished with….

The reality is, insiders say, that there has been a “chill” in the information flow. Intelligence sources say the agency is intent on protecting information, and if there are concerns it could be compromised, it will be withheld.

The ongoing investigation into whether Trump associates coordinated with the Russians remains a concern for some who handle sensitive data. It can be inferred that there is a lack of trust, and because the CIA has had a role in uncovering signs of Russian cyber intrusions, there are also concerns that sensitive information could be shared with adversaries….

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GETTING TO OKAY

From FALLOUT: A Survivor Talks to Incest Offenders (and Others) by moi

Bass and Davis (1994, 179) quote a woman:

Finally, I had to realize it was a part of me. It’s not something I can get rid of. The way I work with it will change,  but I think it will always be there. And I think I have to get to the point where I love it, because then it’s really loving me wholly. If I’m really going to love myself totally, then I had to love all of me, and this is part of who I am.

An important part of Recovery centers around taking responsibility for protecting and soothing yourself. Right now, look around your life and check that you are physically, emotionally and interpersonally safe. If you are not safe, problem-solve. Where does the danger lie and what can you do about it? Then do it. Remember, denial is the bugaboo. Safety concerns might include birth control, protection from STDS, abuse of substances, illegal activities such as shoplifting and DUI’s, an unsafe living arrangement, acquaintances who have a toxic effect on you, impulsive behaviors–yours and theirs–frequenting unsafe places, etc. Many survivors find themselves in relationships which do not seem abusive because of their past. Ask yourself if you are being respected, listened to, and free of emotional and physical abuse. (Emotional abuse includes being called derogatory names). We were all trapped in the incest, earlier. for which we were not responsible. We are responsible now if we allow ourselves to be further abused in any way. (241)

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