FALLOUT: A Survivor Talks to Incest Offenders

All posts in the FALLOUT: A Survivor Talks to Incest Offenders category

A Gift for Your Incest Abuser

Published February 3, 2018 by Nan Mykel

A few minutes ago while still woolgathering in bed, I realized that only incest victims were being told about my first book, which was really addressed to incest offenders.  So, I thought I’d let incest victims know about the perfect gift for their incester, in case their offender was still alive.

I am included among those who never confronted their  familial abuser, and he’s dead now, a scattered pile of ashes in the flower bed of a former dwelling place, in another town.

It is not a rude book, but informative.  Very informative.  Just thought I’d let you know.

A published author!

Published May 4, 2016 by Nan Mykel

It has been more than a year since I published my first book, FALLOUT: A Survivor Talks to Incest Offenders (And Others), plus her dream journal and drawings. Watch my April, 2015 author interview on Kaleidoscope:

And don’t forget to check me out on  Goodreads badge add plus.

FREE ARTICLES

Published December 8, 2015 by Nan Mykel

(Free if you’re willing to accept a lot of them, that is.)  After publishing FALLOUT: A Survivor Talks to Incest Offenders, I’m left with a box full of research articles I xeroxed when writing my book. I’ll send them postpaid if you’ll take them and love them.

 

Nan

PROTECT THE CHILDREN!

Published October 31, 2015 by Nan Mykel

Parents are awkward and resistant about telling their children about child molestation, and even moreso about incest!  They easily warn them about kidnapping, which is rare, but not about being molested. As David Finkelhor points out,  if parents do warn their children about  the possibility of sexual abuse, they often wait until too late.  A third of sexually abused children are abused before the age of nine (Finkelhor, 1986, 229).

Linda Sanford, in her 1985 book The Silent Children: A Parent’s Guide to the Prevention of Child Sexual Abuse, warns about the possibility of sexual abuse at four different levels stranger contacts, acquaintance contacts, child-care contacts, and contacts with people the child loves.

As Petra poionted out to me, “You (I) don’t mention that, according to research the world over, across all economic groups, a child is most likely to be molested by somebody known to the victim. A close friend of the family, an uncle or a member of the child’s immediate family.”  Thanks for making that crystal clear, Petra!

Excerpt from FALLOUT:

Published October 2, 2015 by Nan Mykel

Here I am, waiting for the final proof of my book to be completed, and my process hasn’t stopped, but continues. This is going to sound crazier to the reader than anything to date, but it is bringing me a sense of peace. I realized that I can’t just leave my father all alone and unhappy in his small , shabby room while I blithely puiblish my first book without the dedication I promised him. And yet it can’t be the dedication he envisioned. In my mind’s eye I had to do something to definitively deal with him, and so to go on with my life I am putting him in a homey room with his mother Sary, his tennis loving cup, his bridge-playing partners from long ago, a tuned piano and a good cup of coffee.and even his Camel cigarettes. He no longer has sinus problems or Tourette’s, and he is not drinking alcohol or lusting. He is as content as it is possible for him to be. In my mind’s eye he is cracking a joke and feeling relaxed and valued. And his untapped writing talent has been unleashed. His old typewriter has many finished pages beside it, and he is in touch with the good man in him which has been burierd under childhood hurts. And now, knowing he is in a good place (although imaginary), in the sacred unfolding of love, I can truly let him be. I have backtracked and do  dedicate this book to him, in good faith and love. Nothing in the book proper foretells this, as I have written from a different, concomitant truth.

(See Dedication, below).

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to my father, Alton Ellison B.

FALLOUT: A Survivor Talks to Incest Offenders (And Others)

Published September 29, 2015 by Nan Mykel

I am really surprised how true it is that so many people avoid the topic of incest.  My library seemed reluctant to help me set up a talk on my new book, and it’s been sold only to a VERY FEW. It’s sad because there are so many unreported incest offenders in our society, and it really does seem like people want to deny more than protect their children.

How Many Incest Offenders Do You Think You Know

Published September 29, 2015 by Nan Mykel

Probably several, since only about five percent  ever get reported. Most are men, and daughters are usually their victims. I can speak for both the daughter victim as well as the incestuous father, because I am an incest survivor and I also treated imprisoned sex offenders for twelve years. Many of them had molested their daughters, and less frequently their sons.

I had earned my degree and was a psychologist when I began work at the prison, but knew little about sex offender treatment. It was not covered in our graduate curriculum. The first and most important lesson I learned while working with these offenders was that they do not believe that they have harmed the victim! Since their child did not say “no” or cry or tell her mother, and because her young body physically responded to the touching, they convinced themselves that there was no harm done.

GROOMING

Incest doesn’t just “happen.” It is a common practice for a father to “groom” his daughter before sexually assaulting her. The father attempts to strengthen the parental bond with his daughter in order to make her more vulnerable to him. The more she comes to trust him the easier it is for him to transition into sexual touching. And the more she has come to trust him, the greater the negative impact on her future relationships. Looking back, I remember my father taking me out square dancing twice before beginning to molest me. It seemed a little strange, but my mother said she had nothing to wear.

REACHING INCESTERS IN THE COMMUNITY

Incest harms. Would fathers who care about their daughters molest them, or would the knowledge of the harm they were inflicting stop or prevent their behavior? Those fathers lucky enough to get treatment while in prison are educated about many of the areas in which the child is damaged. But what about the men who are struggling to deal with the temptation to molest their child, or who have acted but not been caught? They have no access to treatment due to the new reporting laws which make it mandatory for professionals to report any adult who sexually assaults a child to the authorities. (It is a sexual assault because the young are trained to obey adults and lack the knowledge to be able to give informed consent).

THE HEAVY SECRET

The incest perpetrator’s next move, after having groomed and molested the victim, is to insure that she doesn’t tell anyone. The child must “keep the secret” from everyone, or terrible things will happen, including threats of retribution upon her, divorce of the parents, her being removed from the family, etc. In my case, my father told me it was a capital offense in our state, which I took as meaning it would be the death penalty for him if I told. (It turns out he was lying, as I learned much later).

TRAPPED

Not only do the reporting laws prevent unreported men from getting treatment, but remove any possible source of support for the victim’s struggle in deciding what to do. One of the negative results following sexual abuse by a family member is powerlessness. Some victims run away from home to escape the bind she finds herself in, only to be apprehended and returned home to the source of the abuse. Some victims marry early to escape the home situation. I have a suspicion that many young suicides are pursuing what they see as the only way out.

I struggled with the seemingly hopeless, no-win situation of many incest victims, and when I retired from the prison system I decided to write a book sharing the damage I myself experienced in order to demonstrate its destructiveness,  but I fear I am failing in that pursuit. We the people do not like to think about, much less spend time reading and learning about, topics that are emotionally repellent. Our response is “gross!” and so we avoid the topic. Meanwhile, all over the world children are being betrayed by the very people who are expected to protect them, and the children are in many ways trapped. The resulting sense of powerlessness often becomes part of her adult personality. What if she does report the incest? There is something called the Child Sexual Abuse Accommodation Syndrome in which a child may report the incest, but then family pressure, threats and fear cause her to retract her statements and her charges are deemed to have been falsehoods. To be returned to a family under those conditions appears to be even worse.

Many complexities surround this issue. One child did not keep the secret, and her father died while he was in prison. The officer who called his home to report the death to his wife told me that in the background he could hear someone screaming and sobbing for her daddy.

My Book’s Table of Contents

Published January 9, 2015 by Nan Mykel
C O N T E N T S
Part I – MEN WHO COMMIT INCEST
Chapter 1 – Who Am I?
Chapter 2 – Why Did I Do It?
Chapter 3 – How Could I Do It?
Chapter 4 – Treatment
Chapter 5 – Hurdles in Treatment
Chapter 6 – Modus Operandi
Chapter 7 – Will I Do It Again?
Chapter 8. A Metaphor
Part II – BONDS THAT BIND
Chapter 9. The Trauma Bond
Chapter 10 My Trauma Bond
Chapter 11 The Sexual Bond
Part III – COMMUNITY AND FAMILY
Chapter 12 After Release, Then What?
Chapter 13 Protecting
Part IV – THE SURVIVORS
Chapter 14 The Fallout
Chapter 15 Powerlessness
Chapter 16 Damaged Goods
Chapter 17 Betrayal
Chapter 18 Traumagenic Sex
Chapter 19 The Monkey Wrench Effect
Part V – SHAME
Chapter 20 Freeing Shame
Part VI – THE MOTHERS
Chapter 21 Role of the Mother
Part VII – RECOVERY
Chapter 22 Getting to Okay
Chapter 23 Survival Manual
Part VIII – PROFESSIONAL REMARKS
Chapter 24 Survivor as Therapist
Part IX – FURTHER STEPS TOWARDS CLOSURE
Chapter 25 Letters
Chapter 26 Gestalt Goodbye to My Father and Epilogue
References
THE AUTHOR’S DREAM JOURNAL AND DIARY
Illustrations
Fanged Woman
Me and Mom
ISH
Depressed
6 Weeks Old Today
Sexualized
Shame
Cartoon
Mandala
Bombs
Drowning
Negative Specialness
Ambivalence
Peg Leg
Untitled
Monkey Woman
Winged Animal
Hiding
Fanged Mouth
Kneeling Fanged Male Angel
Scared
Engulfing
Dinosaur Woman
Six-armed Woman
Crested Bird Man
Developmental Delay
Shame
Swiss Cheese
(less)
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