Incest offenders and survivors

All posts in the Incest offenders and survivors category


Published November 14, 2021 by Nan Mykel

It’s been a long life…


In traditional outpatient psychotherapy                                                                                                                                                 the client comes into treatment for assistance,                                                                                                                                willing to pay for the privilege of obtaining
help from the therapist, based on the client’s                                                                                                                                    report of his problems.
“This model is absolutely useless when applied                                                                                                                                       to sex offenders.  Incestuous fathers are                                                                                                                                         generally not in distress so long as they have
sexual access to their daughters. They almost never seek treatment voluntarily, and they do                                                                                                                                      not reveal the full extent of their offenses”  (Herman 2000, 150–51). Many sex offenders in                                                                                                                             treatment give misleading information to their therapist, due in part to their continued                                                                                                                                        vulnerability to the legal system (i.e. Parole Board), in part due to their shame about their                                                                                                                                  offending, and in part as a result of their cognitive distortions, or “thinking errors.”

After twelve years with offenders in treatment I increasingly realized that I was not given                                                                                                                                          the full story. In some cases I had no way of validating or confronting the men’s information,                                                                                                                                    but in most cases I think I was too trusting. Did a victim really bring his fiancée to meet
this molester in later years and reminisce about the good old days? Was an adult kidnapping                                                                                                                                  victim really physically turned on by her attacker (who records show was unable to get an                                                                                                                              erection)?  Did the victim of an exhibitionist really approach him and comment favorably on                                                                                                                                      his genitals, and then begin a relationship with him?
The second wife of a prisoner convicted of molesting his stepdaughter routinely drove long                                                                                                                            distances to visit him in prison. She still had faith in her husband’s innocence and did not                                                                                                                                    believe her daughter’s allegations. Later, at his parole board hearing, the man’s entire first                                                                                                                                    family testified that he had also molested them. As a result, he did not get paroled.                                                                                                                                        Confidentiality and safety concerns prevented the information being shared with the second                                                                                                                                  wife, or the perpetrator. The last I knew, she still believed him innocent.  Another case involved a                                                                                                                            man who had been in treatment over a year before it was discovered he had sexually assaulted a                                                                                                                          woman in another state. When confronted he said, “I didn’t know you were interested in what I                                                                                                                                did across the river.”
A number of child molesters have been fired from their jobs “without prejudice” or legal action.                                                                                                                              Even the employment records of teachers and counselors, for instance, cannot be relied upon                                                                                                                                  for accurate information. Yet another man who quit the program, convinced that he had
“completed treatment,” had only discussed his molestation of members of his Boy Scout troop.                                                                                                                                He denied having molested his daughter. It was not until after he terminated treatment that                                                                                                                                    the presence of a son in his household came to light. Still another man, convicted of molesting                                                                                                                                two of his daughters—one in a wheelchair—denied molesting the latter, saying he had never                                                                                                                                been that hard up for sex. Another man, who was an ex-police officer, denied ever handcuffing                                                                                                                                    his daughter when she was alone with him on his boat.
I observed that it is not at all unusual for men with both sons and daughters to be convicted of                                                                                                                          molesting a daughter, while denying any molestation of a son. I suppose sons are more reluctant                                                                                                                              to report than daughters, feeling that it casts aspersions on their masculinity. When one man’s                                                                                                                            family (excepting the admitted victim) visited him in prison, the father made fun of the length of                                                                                                                              his son’s hair, and asked him if he wanted a bobby pin. The young man in question had been                                                                                                                                reported to be depressed and self-mutilating.  Later, after I had queried the father, the son wrote                                                                                                                                a letter assuring me that his father had never molested him.

Dealing with deviant sexual fantasies is one of the most difficult treatment hurdles for the man who                                                                                                                        molests. During the day an offender may be working on his thinking errors, learning about the
harm victims experience, and reviewing his offense patterns, while at night in the privacy of his own                                                                                                                          bunk he may be undoing his treatment by mentally reviewing the offense and rewarding those                                                                                                                          fantasies with an orgasm.  Fantasizing about offending is practicing to reoffend, especially when                                                                                                                      masturbating. Even admitting to having continuing fantasies is a signal to the treatment team just                                                                                                                          how close the offender may be to reoffending, if released. At the same time, it should also be a
powerful warning to the offender himself just how vulnerable he is to repeating an offense, a very                                                                                                                    sobering thought that may help the most motivated men.
Letting go of the attempt to influence the program’s report to the Parole Board, and instead jumping                                                                                                                    into the painful but cleansing jaws of a real commitment to therapy means relinquishing control,
a scary proposition in prison, where one has so little control.

Sex offenders have little empathy for their victims. Although they have some ability to empathize with                                                                                                                others in general, they empathize less with victims of sexual abuse (McGrath, Cann, and Konopasky 1998),                                                                                                              and even less with their own victims (Marshall, Hamilton and Fernandez, 2001). Empathy can be thought                                                                                                                   of as the ability to accurately attribute mental states to other people. One incest offender demonstrated                                                                                                                     his inability to do so when asked how he thought his daughter felt after she delivered her stillborn                                                                                                                  incestuously-conceived baby in the bathroom while at high school and had to carry it home in a paper                                                                                                                  bag on the bus. Her father replied that he had no idea how she felt. The lack of empathy for his victim
follows in part from the perpetrator’s observation of her physical arousal, which she cannot control, from                                                                                                              projection, and possibly, as mentioned earlier, from faulty mindreading.The empathy deficit makes the goal                                                                                                              of this book even more challenging. In order to minimize the likelihood of the men in our program ever again                                                                                                        molesting a child they care about, they were encouraged to carry with them in the forefront of their minds the                                                                                                  information that child sexual abuse is damaging. Unanswered is the question whether an abundance of                                                                                                          cognitive information will have the ability to impact their future behavior. For many incest offenders, feelings                                                                                                           of affection are misread as sex, while subsequently, for the child, the two become polar opposites. (That is, sex                                                                                                        becomes the polar opposite of affection.)

As explored at length in Chapter 9, the bond between the perpetrator and victim can be extremely resistant                                                                                                             to treatment.

Many child molesters deny the need for treatment: One man maintained that the best approach is just to put “it”                                                                                                   out of mind; another resisted doing a relapse prevention plan, saying that if he had to have it in writing,                                                                                                            then…; and another’s minister told him to quit the program because he shouldn’t be around a “bunch of sex                                                                                                offenders.” Some may not want to be “cured” of their deviance. Others may feel it’s hopeless—that they would                                                                                                     only be going through the motions.

Is psychopathy too large a hurdle for treatment? At one point it was thought that treatment made psychopaths                                                                                                      worse, but a further study by Barbaree, Langton, and Peacock (2006) laid those concerns to rest.
For some reason and with few exceptions, I had difficulty conversing with an offender while wondering if he was                                                                                                       a psychopath. One who may have been psychopathic had been reported by other inmates to have masturbated                                                                                                while sitting on the front row when a high school choir visited to sing Christmas carols to the men. He was the same                                                                                                man who had to be cautioned for being too physical across the table when his grown daughter came to visit.                                                                                                  Another was a man who raped his mother who later died, and he told me with disgust that she was a liar. She had                                                                                        reported being afraid of him. His excuse for raping her was that he could hear her in her room, masturbating.                                                                                                          Still another tried to arrange for boys to visit and be counseled by him while he was in prison. He was the same
man who ordered a book on the MMPI prior to evaluation for the parole board, and was the same man who drew a                                                                                          naked woman in his House-Tree-Person tree, and when queried said, “Doesn’t everyone?” Those are just several that                                                                                                come to mind as I reflect back on my twelve years with the prison system. Wondering if someone is a cold, calculating                                                                              psychopath while you’re talking to him, trying to understand him while imagining what it must be like to be him,
didn’t come easy for me. I had less trouble with the man who pointed to the scarf around my neck and told me that                                                                                               on the outside that scarf might be used to strangle me.  (That one wasn’t a sex offender, however.}  A recent article                                                                                     maintains that individuals scoring high on the test for psychopathy can profit from treatment designed specifically to
meet their needs and take their characteristics into consideration (Harkins, Beech, and Thornton 2013, 6). They are,                                                                                        however, a “hurdle” in treatment.

Sex before eight or else it’s too late…—Slogan of pedophile organization. What’s wrong with having sex with children                                                                                          anyway? Usually sexual abuse occurs between a child and someone the child trusts, and often by someone who cares                                                                                              for the child. Rarely do children bleed or show physical signs of trauma as a result of sexual abuse by adults.                                                                                                         Why not include sexuality in our teaching? On January 20, 1972, I was enrolled in a course in Human Sexuality and                                                                                            wrote in my journal: “[J] in class today made the startling suggestion that parents should initiate their own children to                                                                                           the sex act…. The professor said that it was grounds for a good argument, but her objection was that any time there                                                                                                is an inequality between partners (patient-therapist, father-daughter, teacher-student, etc.) the less equal of the two                                                                                              has essentially no real freedom of choice.”

Finkelhor (1984, 17-8) writes that incest is not wrong because it fails to honor a sacred, time-honored prohibition, but                                                                                    because “it violates the powerless—vulnerable wards who are not yet in a position to consent or refuse.” And what would                                                                                   they be consenting to or refusing? Children cannot give informed consent because they are not yet “informed” about sex                                                                                    and sexual relationships, what the likely consequences of incest will be for them in the future, or how other people are                                                                                        likely to react. “The child is not truly free to say no.”



Published September 20, 2021 by Nan Mykel

Image:  Nancy Roman

Big discovery, thanks to Ruth Scribbles who tried to download my free book.  She got nothing but a blank.  I tried and I got it.  My helper suggests my pdf needed a special link which was missing.  Turns out it wasn’t really missing (maybe), it was just hiding under the next paragraph heading, if you click on it first:


Altho I earlier said I was going to remove this page, apparently it never got opened, so if you’re interested in a free pdf of the whole book, the link is either the semi-heading maybe in blue, or what you get after clicking on it.

Please tell me if you can’t see it by clicking on the preceding capitals.   This is what we get for being born too late to groove internet.  The  “page” to try and blast off from  is one of several at the top of this blog.

I’m another OOPS–saying this all wrong.  Go to the list of pages at the top of the blog, go to Free book and then go to FALLOUT PDF INTERIOR and click. Then either click on a link which may appear or maybe the book will appear.  Grump grump–don ‘t know why I can see it and others can’t–or couldn’t, the other day.  Or just tune in every Wednesday for chapters in order.  (Boy, all that was hard for me to say–I mean write).

WHO AM I?–Wednesday FALLOUT Continued

Published September 15, 2021 by Nan Mykel

I’ve lived a long life…an incest survivor talks to incest offenders

The most striking characteristic of sex offenders, from a diagnostic standpoint, is their apparent normality. —Judith Lewis Herman, 1990

The good news is that the incest offender is usually not psychotic, retarded or senile and seldom uses physical force against his victim. Although it is not completely known what creates a sexual predisposition toward children on the part of an adult—what bio-psycho-social components, what developmental events, at what points, in what combinations and in what intensities are critical—we do know
that a wide variety of individual differences do exist. (Groth 1982, 226)

You may qualify for a diagnosis; you decide. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (2000, 572), known in the profession as DSM IV, defines
a “Pedophile” as follows:
A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intensely sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children (generally 13 years or younger).
B. The person has acted on these sexual urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.
C. The person is at least age 16 years and at least 5 years older than the child or children in Criterion A.
NOTE: Do not include an individual in late adolescence involved in an ongoing sexual relationship with
a 12-or 13-year old.

Specify if:
Sexually Attracted to Males
Sexually Attracted to Females
Sexually Attracted to Both

Specify if:
Limited to incest

Specify type:
Exclusive Type (attracted only to children)
Nonexclusive Type

Salter (1988, 51) has written, “It is this author’s opinion that, while many incest offenders are closet pedophiles, incest offenders exist who are not.” Apparently offenders against boys are more likely to meet the criteria for Pedophilia than offenders against girls (Herman 1990, 181-82).

You may also be a stepfather. Children who live in stepfamilies are unusually vulnerable, which means that stepfathers are at increased risk to offend. You may be an alcoholic or possess one of the disinhibiting factors discussed later in the book. It’s also likely that you tend to be a little suspicious of the motivations of others and haven’t completely embraced the adult role in society. As with the other diagnostic features, this may or may not describe you. You probably had fantasies about molesting your family member long before doing it and then “groomed” her—like in a courtship—to woo her trust. This process is described in more detail in Chapter 6.

It’s quite possible that you have also molested non-family members at some point in your life, as suggested by one study in which twenty-three (34%) of the men known only to have molested outside the home also perpetrated incest, and 9 of the 18 known incest
offenders admitted to undetected abuse of a child outside the home (Weinrott and Saylor 1991, 292). A large study by Abel and Rouleau found that 131 individuals (23.3%) had offended against both
family and non-family victims (1990, 16).

The response to the query “who am I?” may be “your own abuser.”  This statement needs to be read carefully, because many victims fear an assumption that if they were victimized they will inevitably become an offender. This is not the case.

Sometimes, however, the offender was a victim himself, and dealt with his abuse by identifying at some level with his molester, consciously or unconsciously. In fact, when a child starts molesting other children it can often serve as an alert to the possible existence of an additional sexual abuser in the background. This is a controversial topic in the literature. A number of incest offenders admit to having been molested as children. Some do not, and some falsely claim to be victims of childhood sexual abuse, presumably in order to gain sympathy from treatment staff (Hindman and Peters 2001). It appears that males, with their testosterone, macho culture and possible genetic influences, may be reluctant to disclose that they have been abused. I realize now that admitting that they have been damaged by sexual abuse is tantamount to admitting vulnerability, a trait not in keeping with the offender’s self-image.

Briere (1989, 154) observes that “the developing male child may
strive to reaffirm the power or masculinity he believes was compromised by his abuse—potentially leading to high levels of sexual aggression against others.”

Clarke and Llewelyn (2001) suggest that men and women cope with their abuse experiences differently, that male survivors are more likely to become abusers, females to be re-victimized. Carmen, Reiker, and Mills (1984, 382) report that in their sample of physically and sexually abused psychiatric patients, “the abused females directed their hatred and aggression against themselves. … In comparison, the mainly adolescent male victims, although experiencing many of the same feelings of self-hatred, more often directed their aggression toward others.”

Since a great many victims dissociate or otherwise block the memory of having been sexually abused as children until years later, why would this not also be true of victims who become abusers? The puzzle and controversy continues. During one therapy group session I had occasion to witness a child molester regain the memory of having been sexually assaulted by his priest. How much do you remember? That could be part of who you are.

Marshall and Barbaree (1990a, 259) have observed that human males are biologically prepared for sexual aggression, citing the same sex steroids for both sexual arousal and aggression. “In our view, then, biological factors present the growing male with the task of learning to appropriately separate sex and aggression and to inhibit aggression in a sexual context” (260). This developmental
task can be impacted by childhood experiences, cultural influences, pornography, and situational factors.

Smallbone (2006, 99), addressing Marshall and Barbaree’s theory, writes that “the fact that normal adult males are typically most attracted to youthful and beautiful sexual partners suggests that it is
the exploitation, rather than the recognition of young people’s sexual appeal that characterizes sexual offending behavior.” In this sense sexual offending against children is much more like theft or robbery than it is like non-criminal sexual deviations like fetishism or transvestism. The question of why most men do not sexually exploit children and young people is not all that different from the question of why most do not rob banks. (Ibid.)  It should not be puzzling, therefore, that there are many more male sexual aggressors than female.

Another possibility lurking in the background is the concept of sexual imprinting. According to this theory, one is imprinted by his first pleasurable orgasmic experience, and although he may repress may always carry the possibility of being sexually aroused by another male, although married and in love with a woman. William
Prendergast shared this theory during a 1987 training presentation
in Chillicothe, Ohio. Various aspects of that first physically pleasurable molestation may also be imprinted, as was the case with one
of the men in our program who had been molested in a movie theatre. He became an offender, and the site of his offending was always in a movie theater, with one exception. The offense for which
he was incarcerated involved him sitting beside his victim, in the
front seat of a car.

Hunter has observed that “a large percentage of those who identify
themselves as sexually compulsive or addictive also report experiencing childhood sexual abuse” (1995, 61).

In response to the incest offender’s query “who am I?” another answer may be “someone vulnerable to acting out the adult-child sexual paradigm, either by having experienced it or knowing of its existence within the family.” Mrazek (1981, 104) suspects that previous incestuous experience or knowledge of it within the family
may be the most significant factor in the continuation of incest with
new family members. It appears, as she reports, that once the incest
taboo is broken within a family, it is quite likely to be broken again.

Courtois (1988, 26) agrees, stating that once the incest barrier is breached, there is little to disinhibit additional incestuous activity; incest becomes
the ‘normal’ way to interact and seems to become unconsciously embedded within the family, even though
the abuse is commonly kept secret. There are differing findings and opinions in the literature about the
importance of this transmission, however. Williams and Finkelhor
(1990, 238) state that “although intergenerational transmission
may be a factor for some incestuous fathers, it does not come close
to being universal.”

Finkelhor is concerned that the popularization of the “simpleminded intergenerational transmission theory” terrifies victims,  who fear they are destined to become abusers. Moreover, “because
the intergenerational transmission explanation relies exclusively on a childhood experience that we cannot return and change, it breeds cynicism that we can be effective in prevention” (1986a,

On my father’s side, my grandfather molested me and several others in the family. Over the generations, at least seven members of the family line have been tainted by incest, as offender and/or victim. My father told me my grandfather also made sexual advances toward my mother.

Soon after my father first molested me, he said that some experts maintain that “it” is damaging, but he didn’t believe it.
So—back to the identity question: What do you know about your own family? That, of course, is part of who we all are.

Are you vulnerable to child pornography? You know you are.  At one of our training seminars the presenter described a case in
which a juror, along with the other jurors, was required to view  child pornography as part of the evidence. Shortly thereafter the
juror—who reportedly had never previously assaulted a child—began molesting children.

Child pornography appears to carry with it the potential, then, to ignite fires due to erotic vulnerabilities that were formerly under control. Both viewing child pornography and having fantasies of offending can be precursors to the act, especially when utilized while masturbating. A number of recovering molesters wisely  avoid the Internet, due to reasonable concern about a possible relapse. Warning: on the Internet, pornography can pop up when you least expect it. After retirement I Googled “sex offenders” and got pornography, to my chagrin.

Watch out. Not infrequently, hearing that a child has been sexually abused precipitates sexual fantasies in an adult. Quick, change the subject before you are led astray! As much as I regret it, before we leave this topic, I need to mention that a small minority of “healing professionals” take sexual advantage of clients who share their history of incest during therapy.  Presumably their fantasies get stirred and disinhibit them.

So far we have looked at the possibilities that the potential incest offender has a tendency to follow in the footsteps of his own abuser, has been sexually imprinted at an early age, may know of incest within his family, and may be vulnerable to the effects of child pornography and to fantasies ignited by learning of a young victim’s sexual abuse. He may also be that invisible intruder who  visits sorrow upon his own family.

When speaking of behavior rather than a physiological state, the usual term is compulsion rather than addiction. In our program we used Carnes’s Out of the Shadows (1992), still a classic in its field. For specific criteria see “The Sexual Addiction Assessment Process” by Carnes and Wilson (2002). They define compulsivity as “the loss of the ability to choose whether or not to stop or continue a particular behavior” (4–5).

One reason for the public’s reluctance to accept the “sexual addict” label is that it smacks of excuse making. But the alcoholic who gets a DUI is not excused because of his physical vulnerability to alcohol, any more than a sexual addict should be excused for acting out his compulsion. Nevertheless, the fact is that just as some people have more difficulty staying sober than others, it’s more difficult for some sexual abusers to avoid molesting children than it is for most of the population.

It was known in my community that I treated sex offenders, which is how I came to be contacted by a local Crisis Line in response to an emergency call from a child molester in another city. He had recently been released from prison for sexual crimes against children and was reoffending. He wanted to know if the judge would be lenient if he turned himself in. My answer had to be “no.” As a second time offender his sentence would probably be harsher. His modus operandi was to pick up children from bus stops, take them and molest them and return them to the bus stop. Apparently one child’s shame and her fear response was so great that it touched him, and he became aware of the wrongfulness of his behavior at the visceral level and wanted to stop, but without living the rest of his life behind bars. Fortunately, I happened to have referral information to an emergency clinic that offered medical treatment for compulsive sex offenders. The clinic was in our state, and only several hours away. I don’t know the end of this story, but was thankful that I could offer him one possible solution. Others interested in medical help for sexual addiction will want to consult a specialist about the most current treatment possibilities, as well as their side-effects.

One man, a grandfather in our program, reported that he used to lock his front door in order to keep his granddaughter out, so that he would not molest her again. He became suicidal prior to incarceration. Again, in the midst of scorn for child molesters, it may put things into perspective to remember that most of us do not have to struggle against an urge to molest children. Salter said that the hair on the back of her neck stood up when she interviewed an obviously earnest and troubled minister with a conscience who molested his grandchildren. Salter realized that if a man who truly believes in hell would be willing to
go there in exchange for the chance to molest a child, this problem had a persistence and compulsiveness that few outside the drug addiction world could appreciate. (2003, 76)

If you have had to repeatedly struggle against urges to commit sexual abuse, you may in fact be on the brink of a sexual compulsion.  Once breached, the inhibitions are weakened, and with repetition over time develop into patterns and then into habits (Hunter 1995, 57).  If you have already become sexually compulsive “much of the emotional material that is fueling the behavior is not conscious” (57). “By the time someone has developed a psychological addiction to an act, it has taken on a life of its own. The actions are so automatic that the addict will report that they ‘just happen’ as if he or she played no role in the action” (60).

While some individual offenders may try to use the concept as an excuse, there are a great many cases in which having a sexual compulsion is a statement of fact rather than a cop-out. Recognizing and owning that you have a problem can be a first step to taking the problem seriously and working toward recovery.  As Herman (1990, 187) says:  “Addiction interferes with normal maturation and destroys social relationships. These problems remain even after the compulsive behavior has been given up.  … Once an addiction has become established, it must be considered a lifelong process. An addict may achieve abstinence; he does not achieve cure,” and “Highly structured group treatment and self-help programs appear to be the most successful modality for the social rehabilitation of addicts, including sex offenders. … A new source of self-esteem is provided by the structure of a program which requires acknowledgment of the harm done but offers an opportunity for restitution and service to others. (Ibid., 186) (See also discussion of Circles of Support and Accountability in chapter 12.)

Sexual compulsives are welcome at AA meetings, but they must be circumspect in details that they divulge as they work on their problem. Although a confidential group, felonious conduct is sometimes reported to authorities by other members. There are other groups specifically for these men and women, including Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and Sexual Compulsives Anonymous. Most apparently follow the 12-step program developed and utilized by Alcoholics Anonymous. Local chapters of the above groups vary in their commitment to working on the problem, but a visit to any such self-help meeting should offer an idea of the support available from that group.

This may be an appropriate place to repeat that child molesters are never cured of their attraction to children, but with support and sufficient motivation they can strengthen their inhibitions and continue their struggle to never reoffend.

Although quality treatment can decrease recidivism to some extent, men who molest children can never be trusted alone around children again, nor should they want to be. In most cases continual self-monitoring is required. The future is more hopeful for the man who is in recovery and constantly working the steps of his treatment program or relapse prevention plan, instead of denying that he really has a problem. One of the most dangerous thinking errors of sex offenders is, “I’ll just put it out of my mind.”

A hopeful note lies in the fact that we are discovering that the brain is still plastic and capable of change. For example, a new conceptualization and treatment of obsessive-compulsiveness has been developed that may be helpful in treating the recurrent deviant thoughts that usually precede sexual assault. While description of this treatment, which was pioneered by Jeffrey M. Schwartz, is beyond the scope of this book, it can be readily accessed in Norman Doidge’s The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science (2007).

Psychopaths are not addicts or compulsives. They have no inclinations or inhibitions to struggle against, since they lack a conscience (Hare 1999). If having committed one or more sexual offenses does not bother your conscience, you may in fact be a psychopath. The psychopath’s diagnosis is Antisocial Personality Disorder, described on page 706 of the DSM IV.

What’s a man to do if he has to stay away from the people he prefers? What is his alternative? His choices are killing himself, abusing (and harming) the same or another child, or exploring other avenues, including support groups, medical therapy, psychotherapy,  12-step programs, and establishing friendships and activities with other adults. It is recommended that sexual involvement with anyone be postponed until an alternative pattern of meeting needs is developed.  Killing oneself bestows a heavy burden on anyone who cares about you, including the victim. Having a family member who commits suicide is a risk factor for future suicides in the family.  We are all part of the web of life with its interdependencies, and there is no escaping the fact that a single behavior can have ever expanding effects, for better or worse.

No friends; emotionally and physically isolated from other adults; lonely; unaware of the effect of your behavior on your family (perhaps your drinking, excessive self-focus, etc.); a talented manipulator; non-assertive; obsequious outside the family; lack of respect for your wife; socially ill at ease; feelings easily hurt; morally somewhat strait-laced; lack empathy; some feeling that you deserve more than life has given you; distrustful of the motivations of others. This is an apt description of my father. Can you relate to any of these descriptors?

You can’t. Let go of her. Let her be free of you. More about this difficult and painful topic in the Trauma Bond chapter, where snipping the trauma bond is discussed.


INTRODUCTION – 4th Wednesday post

Published September 8, 2021 by Nan Mykel

I’ve lived a long life…

The fourth consecutive Wednesday posting of Fallout: A Survivor Talks to Incest Offenders: 


First, I must tell you that I was not severely traumatized by my sexual abuse. I did not significantly dissociate nor develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I provisionally met the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder at one time. I’m telling you this so you can place the effects incest had on me in perspective.

Numerous others described herein experienced much more damage. Even with my non-violent assault, however, the damage should be obvious in the following pages.


It is probable that you are much more than a man who molests. You may engage in good deeds, be a hard worker and good provider.

Like an animal that has developed rabies, however, you become a danger to society and will be/are being treated as such when your behavior is discovered. Your contributions to society become invisible and you are a marked man. The condition may not be terminal, however. In fact, you are far from alone in the population.

Most men who molest children have not yet been reported and convicted, nor have they been exposed to some of the information provided in treatment programs. You can learn to understand your urges and explore strategies for controlling them.

David Finkelhor was sensitive to the potential usefulness of shared information when he wrote of prevention programs: “Even without specifically addressing the possibility that audience members might become abusers … it is likely that these programs do have an important deterrent influence on anyone who is exposed to them, if for no other reason than that they clearly reinforce the norm that such behavior is exploitative of a child” (Finkelhor 1986b, 234). I hope the information in this book will both encourage men who are still free to resist molesting and strengthen the resolve of those currently in treatment.

The majority of incestuous fathers are symbiotic, in that they feel an emotional bond with their victim (Courtois 1988; Justice and Justice 1979).  Maddock and Larson (1995, 84) refer to “affectional based incest,” reporting that “a significant amount of incest behavior appears to serve as a means of expressing affection.” (There is a difference between affection and empathy, however; see Chapter 5.)

A glaring example of this misinformed motivation is reported by de Young (1982, 36), who quotes a molester as saying: “I wanted to be her lover, not the victimizer. I wanted her to remember our affair as one of affection and warmth, not fear and pain.”

Much of the thrust of this book is, therefore, to make a case for the fact that incest is damaging, especially for a child you care about or who is under your protection. I use myself as the example, since to outward appearances I have “succeeded” in life. Read my story and you will find otherwise.


I hope that survivors will find the information within these pages helpful, not only in the section for survivors but also the perpetrator section. I myself was surprised to learn that being able to make sense of my sexual abuse is healing, as discussed later in the book.

A group of female survivors and their therapist once visited our
program during a group session. Each man introduced himself and explained why he was in prison. They answered any questions the visitors had. After the group was over, the survivors confessed they had been anxious, scared, and even angry with the men they were
yet to meet. Upon leaving they reported feeling better about the
men, whom they saw as working on themselves.

From time to time I wondered how my father or grandfather would have fit into our prison group. Would they have denied their culpability? My grandfather would deny his molesting behavior and perhaps convince himself that he was blameless. I can imagine him complaining—as I have heard more than one offender do—that “it’s gotten so you can’t even give your grandkid a hug any more.”

I do not believe treatment would have deterred my grandfather. My father would have been more honest, but both would have denied that any damage had been done.

So do child molesters—especially incest offenders—harm their

At first I resisted the idea that much of my life had been negatively shaped by the incest. Then as I learned more about the kinds of effects it exerts, I was able to gain a clearer perspective of myself. Coming to realize that I have dissociated was an eye-opener as well. Keeping a journal, along with a record of my dreams, has been beneficial not only at the time of writing but later, when tracing my journey.


It is no surprise that the community at large knows so little about incest. It’s such an ugly topic and so difficult to discuss with children! That ignorance leaves both us and our loved ones vulnerable, however. We dress our little girls as sexy vamps, don’t know the difference between “playing doctor” and juvenile sex offending, and don’t know how to respond when our young child says she wants to marry us, insists she/he doesn’t want to return to camp again this year, or begs for a different babysitter.

What if a family member who molested a child is chastened and “wants to make it up to her,” or to work on building a better relationship with her? How should you respond if a family member
who has been in sex offender treatment gets depressed and starts blaming his victim? Or decides to start coaching Little League?

People can be wonderful in many different ways and still sexually abuse children. I hope you will find answers to these and other questions throughout this book.


I once asked Jan Hindman why there were so many survivors treating sex offenders, and she said, “Because they know how important it is.”



It’s Been a Long Life….

Published August 24, 2021 by Nan Mykel

….and I’m here to tell you that I hope to share something important from my life and experience in a once a week posting of  the 26 chapters plus Author’s Note, Preface, and Introduction from FALLOUT–A SURVIVOR TALKS TO INCEST OFFENDERS.  I’ll cut my bait and accept my losses if no one cares to read them, but having written a good book without any attempt to sell, I thought I’d give my effort one last try to better the continuing harmful, denied, whispered  underground behavior that —  acknowledged or not — can skew  the success of  family, their members, and even reach into the  future of their descendents without their conscious acknowledgement.  Each single once a week post will be accompanied by the Pixabay photo above.  I’m going to try and unpublish all other mention of the book from the site.  (May take a little time and effort).   Since today is Wednesday and I’m posting, I’ll aim for regular postings every Wednesdy.  And to double check that I can accomplish this, I’ll start with the list of Contents  today:

Chapter 1. Who Am I?
Chapter 2. Why Did I Do It?
Chapter 3. How Could I Do It?
Chapter 4. Treatment
Chapter 5. Hurdles in Treatment
Chapter 6. Modus Operandi
Chapter 7. Will I Do It Again?
Chapter 8. A Metaphor
Chapter 9. The Trauma Bond
Chapter 10. My Trauma Bond
Chapter 11. The Sexual Bond
Chapter 12. After Release, Then What?
Chapter 13. Protecting
Chapter 14. The Fallout
Chapter 15. Powerlessness
Chapter 16. Damaged Goods
Chapter 17. Betrayal
Chapter 18. Traumagenic Sexualization
Chapter 19. The Monkey Wrench Effect
Chapter 20. Freeing Shame
Chapter 21. Role of the Mother
Chapter 22. Getting To Okay
Chapter 23. Survival Manual
Chapter 24. Survivor as Therapist
Chapter 25. Letters
Chapter 26. Gestalt Goodbye to My Father and Epilogue




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