Amish: What’s a lightbulb?

Buddhist: The brokenness of the bulb is in the nature of things. By renouncing the desire for fixing the bulb, you can release yourself from the endless cycle of changing bulbs only to have them break, only to have to change them again, only to have them break, only to . . . [Here rest of the text is missing. Western scholars of the nineteenth century suggested that the original might have contained, in this place, directions to the nearest Lowes, but recent studies have cast doubt upon those speculations.]

Calvinist: Because you are human, your perspective is necessarily limited. It may seem as though you are deciding to change the bulb, but that, of course, is an illusion due to your being born IN time rather than existing OUTSIDE time, as God does. The decision regarding whether the bulb will or will not be changed…