The Reluctant Atheist – for d’Verse

The old man used to be a preacher, but

in good faith had to turn in his cassock

because he no longer believed in anything.

He mumbles now, admitting that he cannot

say he  believes he’ll live again.

If asked he’ll say  we teach our young to

be fair, play fair, as though  the world were

fair. Maudlin now, he observes that

we can kiss away a boo boo or wipe away

a tear, but

the buffer does not outlast reality, , or is it

just the luck of the draw? Lotta bad luck,

then, for many. “Refugees, thy name is grief.”

But with a little smile  he reckons that

we avoid madness in the arms of sleep.

About Nan Mykel

I used to think I would be a child prodigy, but then I got old. Formerly I had fantasies of rubbing elbows with cultural and academic leaders but that did not come to pass because I did not become a cultural or academic leader or any other kind of leader, for that matter. I am not even an "Alpha Dog," a term learned from a friend who had to become "Alpha Dog" in order to influence her own pet. (When gazes lock, she never looks away.) For years I expected to become a published author, but in passing I could not avoid the fact that I had little to contribute to the world's bulging dumpsters. I'm embarrassed to report that I also considered my primary process artistic productions powerful, rather than mildly neurotic. Which is not to say that I disrespect myself, only that I am beginning to doubt my potential for making a mark on the world. If I focus on strict self discipline I may be able to keep my garbage removed on a weekly basis, to keep the kitty box changed, the clothes cleaned, the dog watered, fed and walked, but that just catches me up to the starting mark again. When writing I physically grapple with words, wrestling them from their indifference into attempted chunks of awareness. I sit heavily on my chair; I breathe in artificially cooled air; my ear drums note the tap tap of the keyboard and the steady uninterrupted sound of the air conditioner, What is that sound? The roar of the ocean from 30 yards away...Inside, my thoughts are are balls in an electronic game machine, bouncing hither and yon from lever to lever. I am a little grim and intent until I recall a dream related by a black man in the prison where I once worked. He said that when he was a small boy, back home, he dreamed he was standing on his front porch pissing, and that he suddenly found himself pissing stars...
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21 Responses to The Reluctant Atheist – for d’Verse

  1. Thank you for sharing this piece

    Like

  2. Jeff says:

    Written out of adverse experiences? Faith questioned. A provocative piece. Had me looking inward.

    Isn’t sleep heaven sent?

    Cheers!

    Like

    • Nan Mykel says:

      I would love to believe so. I liked your poem, but my comment didn’t survive. I think they’re “de-syncking” me, whatever that means, possibly because I can’t make out how to renew Windows Office or whatever that is.

      Like

  3. Frank Hubeny says:

    May those dreams be peaceful and the madness turn to inspiration. For me sleep is when things start to make sense and sometimes upon awakening they still make sense.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have found that I have to find my solace in this life… and that’s such a relief… not provokative at all for my beliefs.

    Like

  5. lillian says:

    I’m enthralled by the title here. The Reluctant Atheist. Is that an atheist who really and truly wants to believe….tries to believe….wishes to believe? Here you have a preacher who has turned it in. So one wonders….was there more comfort in the believing or now in the not?
    An intriguing piece.

    Like

  6. msjadeli says:

    That last line is something I believe in. Dreams help with the sorting and filling in missing pieces. I understand a person of conviction would not want to lead anyone astray.

    Like

  7. ladynyo says:

    Beautiful, beautiful. Went straight to my heart, Nan. My experience also.

    Like

  8. ladynyo says:

    I’m 71.5…..and wiser now since I ditched toxic influences….so many and mostly family! I believe in nothing…nothing religious…but I believe we can make our lives “Heaven” or Hell.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Nan Mykel says:

    But it sure takes a lot of work!

    Like

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