grudges

This relates to a dream, a self reflection, memories, connections of past events, wondering, and a resolution to reflect at the end of each day on any lies I’ve told that day, the motivation for them, how many were due to not wanting to hurt the others’ feelings, alternative things I could have said that were truthful, etc. Perhaps reading Difficult Conversations, a library book I recently checked out, recent readings on consciousness and the booklet I’m writing for my children and grandchildren called “Stepping Stones to Inside,” two longstanding grudges against likeable people who insulted me in the past, wondering how I limit my relations with others (and always have) by an unwillingness to hurt others. No need to review the encyclopedic past, but I am excited about the decision to reflect on my truthtelling at the end of each day, and to see what alternatives I might have utilized, because I am thirsty for honesty and aware of how I may keep myself from the warming experience of a truthful relationship. Right now I feel hungry for the truth from a benign person. Truth from someone whose intention is to hurt me would not be welcome. It’s an experiment in living that I’m seeking. And yes, this is motivated by a dream I had and which my unconscious let me remember. All this may be a little too honest for the reader, so I will resume tomorrow night on my DIARY page.