My anger sits inside
on fat haunches
and comes out at night
to eat rats.
BUT
Then again it’s true
it may just
curl up and sleep
the night away.
My anger sits inside
on fat haunches
and comes out at night
to eat rats.
BUT
Then again it’s true
it may just
curl up and sleep
the night away.
It’s not necessary for you, the supporter, to know what is going on in order to lend support. Sometimes, the fact that you’re willing to sit there in silence, comfortable with not knowing, is enough to get someone to open up. Visit the Source: Supporting a Loved One Through PTSD or Panic Attacks ffor much, much more.
THE PASSING
Siphoned up and out into
no boundaries and afloat
this earth offering fearless
infant trusting
cribless soul to you.
Buoyed, cradled and reclaimed
back home, melding into the
universe.
dverse
From Popular Science: <http://www.popsci.com/maybe-its-not-such-great-idea-to-bring…> In the best possible case, the proposed Reanima treatment would miraculously restore the previously-declared dead person. They would regain full psychological continuity, the death certificate would be nullified, and they would continue their old life. They would clearly benefit because they would get a second chance at life.
But it is not hard to imagine that the treatment would not restore the brain completely: memories, personality and functions might be scrambled, lost, or replaced with newly-grown tissue. A new person may have a life worth living and enjoy existing. They could be said to have benefited in the same way a child benefits from being brought into the world. But if there is limited or no psychological continuity, then the original person won’t benefit: they are now truly dead, since their body and brain have become a new person.
Would it make sense to want this kind of treatment if it only makes new people? It is not a health-restoring treatment for anybody, merely an unusual way of reproduction. And though we may want some part of the original person to remain, we could equally well transplant the organs to benefit other people. (Italics mine)
The real problem of course is the possibility of creating persons who have lives that are not worth living, or beings that are not people but who we still have a moral duty to care for.
For Dverse

OUT OUT OUT, damned spot!
Don’t you know we want you not?
You can’t come into my parlor
with your unseemly squalor.
We don’t see fit
to have you sit
amongst our caste genteel.
We care not how you feel;
don’t sully us with likes of you.
Begone! Begone! I never knew
what serpent vile
we nursed and all the while
you darkened our door;
You drank and you swore
and laid with the men
while you lived in sin.
Shame shame shame my vile
unrepentant child!
Some day you will come
A’begging me for some
TLC, and all you’ll see
is my back turned on thee.
We don’t care
what you bare.
You can cry and you can beg
and show your pretty nyloned leg,
and though I know it’s very sad,
young lady you’ve been very bad!
THE GANG
Don’t worry, this won’t be a complaining post. Au contraire! Just a statement from a wounded child/mother, reflecting on a life of poor communication on her part. I had to put my blind/deaf cat (who trusted me) down on Tuesday, and the last pet I had put down was my pet dog of many years, Gracie. At that time my son made a special trip to town to help comfort me. He held her in the vet’s outbuilding while “she went to sleep.” I was there, too, stroking her. She trusted me, too, but I still wonder if it wasn’t too soon. Much earlier, while living with his father, he had called long-distance to tell me that they were having to put our family dog Buttons down, and he just wanted to let me know. I think those are two of my warmest memories.
After a life of poor or too-late communication, one grows even rustier at it. One of the favorite lines from my book Time Wrinkles is something like “I found a loudspeaker in my crib and just realized it doesn’t work.”
The joy of early retirement and the glory of the bright June day fill my mind as I slow my van to turn into the driveway. Glancing at my front entrance deck I pause. A figure in white waits on my stoop, her gauzy dress and coat echoing her veil. She stands erect, chin up, hands clasped in front of her. Despite her dramatic appearance, she looks somehow insubstantial, a wraith-like figure. I blink and peer again. My glasses have been bothering me. She still waits. As I draw abreast of the house she turns toward me, and a chill of foreboding descends. My joy has instantly soured, and the word death is assaulting me. Death?
Without further ado I step on the gas and pass by my house, leaving the patient figure waiting. I know that my fear response is totally irrational, but my stomach has tightened with dread. I am beginning to doubt my senses. I slow my van and turn around. Maybe an optical illusion? I head back toward my house again. Although my grandmother was prone to see things that weren’t there, I am not. I peer through the windshield and see the woman still waiting, showing no sign of impatience. I am not ready to meet my Maker, or the other Guy either, for that matter.
Poetic lines come to me. Surely I’m not wrong to want to avoid death? Death is but a sleep….” but how about “Rage against the dying of the light?” My van seems to be thinking clearer than I am, for it deposits me around the corner at my friend Harvey’s house. I turn off the engine and remain inside the van for several minutes, picturing the conversation to follow. I can’t share this with anyone, not even Harvey. Before I can restart the van a figure emerges from the side of the house. Harvey. He waves and approaches the van, grinning and wiping is hands on an old rag. Harvey is the local librarian during the week. Weekends he putters in his garage.
“Jane! Good to see you! I’ve been thinking about you, and you appear! Spooky!”
I can hear my voice falter. “What thoughts about me?”
“Oh, just wondering what you were up to, how you were doing.” He leans against the van’s door and wipes his brow with the rag.
I clear my throat. “Harvey, I’m having a little crisis here. Would you help me out?”
“Sure.” He cocks his head, concerned. “What can I do?”
“Climb in.” I open the door on the passenger side and he gets in. “Harvey, we’re going to drive by my place and I want you to look at the front of the house and tell me what you see.”
He looks questioningly at me and nods. “No prob.”
My heart thumps away in my chest as we turn the corner and approach my house. She is still there. I glance at Harvey. He stares at the figure in white, who is still in the same position and in the same spot. He speaks softly. “Who is she?”
He sees her! At least I’m not hallucinating!
We drive on by. I stammer, hesitate. I am unable to blurt out the cold bare facts. Instead I say, “I think she is someone who means me harm.”
“Have you talked to her? Who is she? What does she say?”
“I’ve been too afraid to approach her.”
He makes an impatient motion. “Turn around. I’ll talk to her.”
I hesitate again. I don’t want to be anywhere around when he does meet her. I pull into his driveway. “Let me wait here while you talk to her.”
Harvey gives me a quizzical look, but when I get out at his place he slides over into the driver’s seat and with a wave backs out of the driveway.
Seating myself on Harvey’s front stoop, I hold my stomach, feeling equally fearful and foolish. I shoo away a gnat that is buzzing me. My mouth is dry. The shades of deceased friends and family rise up before me. How I ran from them, too. Too fearful to say goodbye when I left them. Goodbye for good? Goodbye? The crunch of tires on gravel rescues me from my mournful memories. It is Harvey’s partner Duane driving his gleaming 1952 Plymouth. Duane, who teaches sociology at the university, is another old friend. It is obvious he has been playing tennis, and already sports a golden tan even though summer has just begun.
“Janie! How goes it?” He reaches down and gives me a hug, to which I respond with intensity.
He draws back. “You okay?”
I nod yes, then shake my head. “I’m feeling a little confused right now,” I manage.
“Well come right in and let Uncle Duane whip you up something tall and cool to drink.”
I manage a grin and shake my head. “Something short and hot.”
Tea cups clatter as he speaks over his shoulder. “We can manage that.”
I look around the familiar kitchen, with its built-in breakfast nook and blue and white checkered curtains. It’s utterly comfortable and reassuring. Duane passes me a cup of of hot herbal spiced tea and sets down a plateful of macaroons. “Enjoy.” He sits across the table from me, waiting for me to begin.
“I went for a routine mammogram today, and when I drove up to my house I saw a woman all in white waiting for me, and the thought hit me that she represented my death. I drove on by, scared out of my wits. Harvey has gone to see who she is and what she wants.”
He reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. “It was scary having the mammogram, huh.”
I shake my head. “Not so you’d notice. I have it done every year, no problems.”
He stares into his tea, stirring it. “What was different about this year, other than you retiring?”
I ball my fist and gently tap the formica table top, ignoring his question. I look up at him. “Is it a sign?”
“What would it be a sign of?”
The kitchen door swings open and Harvey strides in…. (See separate post for the balance of this short story which is by Nan Mykel) May 2016
(Second and final part, continued from first part)
The kitchen door swings open andHarvey strides in. “Janie, her name is Althea Hamilton and she says she had an appointment to see you about the room you advertised in the paper this week.”
Of course. I remember now. I give a little laugh and shrug. “Looks like my memory is faltering, Duane.” Looking up at Harvey, I ask: “But why was she wearing that crazy get up?”
Harvey pauses before he says, “What crazy get up, Janie?”
This is getting preposterous. “The veil, the long white dress, all that gauze.”
He pauses even longer than before gently replying. “She had a white scarf in her hair and a white print dress, but I didn’t notice anything unusual about her attire.”
I close my eyes and breathe deeply. “What did you tell her?”
“I made your apologies, told her something important had come up. She gave me her phone number.” He hesitates, then adds, “She seems quite nice, Janie.”
Time for retreat and cognition. “Will do. Thanks to both of you for humoring me.”
It is one week later. Althea and her piano have moved in with me. She has a room at the far end of the house, and although she offered to move her piano into her space, I urged her to keep it in the livingroom. I don’t go to concerts, but I treasure the sound of a piano at home.
When I had finally kept our appointment, Althea was wearing a mint green sun dress. She smiled and held out her hand, and taking it I looked at two of the clearest blue eyes I had eveer seen. She was in her late twenties and small-boned. Softly curling blonde hair framed her pixie face. Her smile shone like a light. Feeling foolish, I did what I could to expedite her moving in. So much for my intuitive flashes!
None of us is without our idiosyncrasies which we take for granted, but sometimes they catch us unaware. My children live in another state and I was widowed erly, so my idiosyncrasies have had time to flourish uninterrupted and uncriticized. For instance, I am allergic to cats, but sleep with Juno, my Siamese, and not infrequently punctuate the silence with sneezes. I run from and lie to telemarketers, and sleep not only with Juno but three or four books. While not sstingy, I refuse to buy a new mattress, although mine engages me in a mild form of torture all night. I avoid my voice mail messages , but make a bee-line each morning for my e-mail.
Althea, too, has quirks. She carries her one-place setting of her own which she uses at the table, washes them and retrieves them to her room after the meal. And then there’s her yoga, meditation and her brisk walk at daybreak. None of which probably means much to you, but is definitely outside of my own personal lifestyle. No one comes to visit her, and as far as I can tell she receives few or no phone calls. She leaves the house for several hours most days of the week, but when I hesitantly inquire, she mumbles something about volunteer work at the hospital. It is not apparently something she wants to share. She spends the rest of her time reading and possibly writing, although she does not leave her writing around and does not refer to it.
As summer turns into fall, I find myself drawn to Althea more as a friend than a boarder. I know nothing of her finances. She pays me regularly and does not work. She never gets mail at the house. I assume she prefers a post office box, although the subject as never come up. In fact, I know little of her background. I know that at one time she studied to be a concert pianist. I know also that she loves flowers, because she contributes a bouquet weekly for the livingroom. And she wears a light fragrance that reminds me of my grandmother.
Neither of us are regular churchgoers. When I asked, she smiled and quoted one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems to me, about keeping the sabbath staying home, with a Bobolink for a Chorister. Maybe she writes poetry. I smiled, “If we were Quaker the two of us would be a sufficient meeting for worship.”
Tonight we have been invited to dinner with Duane and Harvey. Our silence is companionable as we walk the short distance to their house. Althea is lovely, as usual, although I notice that her step seems uncertain on the gravel. Now I realize that she has not been taking her early morning walk the last several days.
Then we are at Duane and Harvey’s, and Harvey answers the door, his hands covered with flour. I raise my nose to sniff the delectable odors emanating from the kitchen, and both m nose and Harvey, see that the two hosts are in the throes of food preparation. Althea quietly deposits her own eating utensils on the table. Duane does a subtle double-take but says nothing.
I perch on a kitchen stool, staying out of their way, and watch. Althea glances around briefly and spots a chore that needs doing: cutting the salad fixings. She washes her hands and dives in.
Duane and Harvey chat happily about diet and nutrition. Suddenly Althea gives a little gasp and drops the paring knife, which clatters to the kitchen floor. Harvey stoops to retrieve it but Althea steps on the knife, saying, “It’s just a little nick–let me get it.”
It is the first time I’ve seen Althea flustered. She has come prepared; apparently she carries band aids with her, and quickly wraps one around her finger. She is shaking as she retrieves the knife and and tosses some of the salad she had been preparing into the trash. Am I the only one who sees her slip the knife into her pocket? My dear new friend is full of many surprises. I lean back and cross my arms. It will be interested to see how my old friends take to her
The kitchen is large and cheery, the food delectable and filling. Harvey and Duane regale us with stories from the library and university. I am deeply relaxed and enjoying myself immensely. Harvey and Duane have been together for eight years, and are possibly the most amicable couple I know. I glance over at Althea, who appears quite taken with their jocular affability.
Turning to Harvey, Althea asks, “Do you recommend books to your patrons? I always thought that would be fun,grandly spreading enlightenment to everyone.”
Harvey grins. “I recommend books only to a chosen few. Most of the patrons would be quite disappointed if they discovered my plebian tastes.”
Duane snorted as he butters another roll. I know what’s coming, since I know Harvey. “Yeah, if plebian is a nice word for dingbat.” The men exchange a look of warm mutual tolerance.
“Oh?” It’s obvious to me that Althea is enjoying my friends as much as I. “Just what are your plebian tastes?”
Impetuously, Harvey beckons Althea away from her dinner and into the livingroom, where a small library is crammed into the corner. “You see….” Harvey points to his favorite dog-eared books. There is Consilience along side of The Origins of Consciousness in the Bicameral Mind; The Band Played On next to The Denial of Death, which was next to a James North Patterson thriller. The User Illusion and Waking Dreams leaned against the I Ching.
Althea shakes her head. “These aren’t dingbat books. Where do you keep those?”
Harvey shrugs and there is a twinkle in his eye as he replies, “Oh, I keep my UFO books in the bedroom.”
A peal of laughter escapes from Althea. t is the first time I have heard her laugh. It is full-throated and musical. I love it. I love her.
After a wicked dessert we all embrace at the door. Althea has rinsed her place setting and tucked it into her bag. As we re-trace our steps home, I am filled with gratefulness for such friends. I say, “Harvey has shared most of his books with me.”
Althea nods absently. “They are good books. Have you read The Band Played On?”
“Yes, and The User Illusion.
As we enter the house I turn towards my room but stop when I see her scooting onto the piano bench. With a sigh of contentment I seat myself in the rocker and close my eyes as the lilting melody of Mozart fills the room. “Beautiful,” I say as the final notes echo. She smiles.
“Althea, I’m so glad you moved in.” She smiles again and we retire.
Once in my bed I toss and turn even more than usual, fretting over the mystery that is Althea. It is late when I finally fall asleep after vowing to learn more, and find myself with a wispy Althea in the fog, on a boat dock. Althea emerges from the mist and then is engulfed by it again. The rough lapping of water against the dock presages a storm. A foghorn wails, sounding lonely in the night. I grasp the mooring rope of a boat with my left hand while I search for Althea with my right. Making contact, I grab hold of a fistful of her white gauzy gown, which evaporates. “Althea!”
She looks fearfully at me over her shoulder and throws a metallic object far away into the water. It lands so far away the splash is inaudible. Then the thunder begins to roll and I awaken with a pounding heart. I recount my dream to Althea the next morning as we sip our coffee out on the deck in the clear September sunshine. I have not been looking at her as I retell it, to spare her the embarrassment of my knowing about the knife. Now she quickly finishes her coffee and stands abruptly. “I’ve got to think about this,” she says, and withdraws to her room.
Her room is at the far end of the house. No sounds reach me. She could be crying or packing or even throweing things. Or praying. I close my own eyes and see her once again waiting on my front stoop that day in June. I recall her separate utensils, her response to cutting herself, and asking if I’d read And the Band Played On. The puzzle pieces slowly settle into place. Then I know. My vision wasn’t about my own death!
Althea responds to my tap on her door. She has been crying. I open my arms. “Althea. Why didn’t you tell me you had HIV?” She blindly seeks out the edge of the bed behind her and sinks onto it. She takes a deep breath.
“I didn’t want to experience another rejection. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you.”
Now it’s my turn to draw a deep breath. I realize she was right not to trust me, not back in June.
RE: Lady in White short story:
I typed in Part 2 and then lost it, because I tried to connect it to Part One. It’s written but I have to re-type it. Sorry for the inconvenience. Will get it together soon…(As in later today) .Nan
It has been more than a year since I published my first book, FALLOUT: A Survivor Talks to Incest Offenders (And Others), plus her dream journal and drawings. Watch my April, 2015 author interview on Kaleidoscope:
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