As I was leaving my in charge asked if I could work a couple of extra hours. “You must be fucking kidding”, those words just erupted from my lips.  I was shocked and so was my in-charge. High tailed it to the sanctuary of my car but the shakes had started, couldn’t even get the key into the ignition.  While my shakes resided, I did some self reflection.  I was stressed to the max also angry, but why?  I couldn’t shake the niggling self doubt, the guilt that somehow I had failed, that my skills weren’t up to the job but also angry that I had been assigned a task that was above my current skill set.  I was back on the job the next morning as if nothing had happened but those self doubts remained.  I apologized to my in-charge for cursing and she acknowledged that she hadn’t fully grasped the situation and pushed too hard.  It has taken weeks for me to come to grips with those events and to have the courage to put them in words.  I experienced COVID triage in a very personal way—we do what we must because there is no other option.  My spirit was wounded but it will heal, I know that from working the past year working COVID ICU.  The scars will remain and I pray in time they too will diminish.  I am a nurse, I care for the sick and sometimes the dying—I believe this with every fiber of my being.  Sometimes, though, it’s hard—so damn hard. I doubt my experiences are unique and I wish more first line medical workers would share their stories.