Published June 14, 2020 by Nan Mykel
Image: Franceska Woodman

When I think I’ve escaped the past
I know my Ma doesn’t drink alcohol and she Sort of kicked me out without kicking my ass.
My daughter cried
Tatiana didn’t meow
I came back to the place where I thought I would relapse
I went to buy cat food
shop was closed
memories of that drug dealer who shine bright with implanted teeth
£4000 inclusive holiday
I could have gnashed
Instead I congratulated him for his holly wood smile with panache .
Using my money to fulfil another dream — one more ticket off off his bucket list

Its so sad
I’m back in the house
haunted by ghosts of the past.
Mother wouldn’t let me in
steam off on a legal poison
Get Sleep with Prosecco & a gin with a 60 pence glass .

Daughter cried I packed my bags
I saw her cry for our cat
I packed up all my bags
And walked out like an immature twocker
with a dirty rash.
Nah, all I wanted was freedom & to sleep without alcohol and illegal grass or bash.

Here I sit in darkness not happy to be back.
I have a packet of lamberts and Prosecco I’m NOT interested in drinking until I’m befokkered.
I want sleep
Forever forgotten all thoughts that made me high
Making drug dealers run for corruption , greed and bite so compared to ash Wednesday like sinners driving by.

My bee she cried for my Tatiana
I left
Guilt came flooding for sleep in a bed
where my inner whore rode the men who treat me like trash
Except my soul mate …

He told me to fuck off and I gladly said
Fuck you
Went to the shop
cat food.
Found spring water tuna-I

Felt Less guilty

felt less crass .

Went against the momma bears rule.
I’m a wild flower with an instinct to rebel from life rules .
If chickens could fly higher I’d fly higher than the dragon from the land of sniff ready to rape
& Chase
fOr an extra taste.

In coma 5 days x another 5
In a coma I remembered the alien abduction
Their torture made me atone to live life differently
I’d even believe in mom’s anointment of Jesus Christ.

Thorns of roses
Thorns of self destruction.
Alone with my cat — my husband won’t come back-
My child is probably still crying.

I’m alone again
I can’t complain
This was my choice.

I want to sleep
Dream of our family home
help those who shouldn’t live a history worse than orphans blurred vision live on the African continent
Not their decision.

I didn’t relapse. I didn’t want to get high. I had a drink because I needed to sleep and I’m on sleeping medication 5 days a week out of 7. I’ve asked my doctor to take me off 15 mg of Nitrazepam that I had been since 2007.

It three weeks since I tried to take my life and nearly succeded , maybe Life is not finished with me yet because my family were told to prepare for my death, brain damage or me being paralysed

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