GESTALT GOODBYE

Things I appreciated  about you, Daddy:  your encouraging me to write creatively, your encouraging me to draw;  your teaching and  coaching me to play tennis; your intelligent and lively mind; your sense of humor, and the day I left my homework at home and you chased the city bus downtown to give it to me.

Things I resented about you: your lack of work ethic; your lying in bed all the time you were home; your sense of entitlement–it seemed you thought the world owed you a lot that you really didn’t deserve; the way you treated Mother; your molesting me; your scrambling up my mind with conflicting messages about sex and life; your lack of insight into your problems; your being willing to subject the family to your alcoholic lifestyle; your insisting I return home when I had the chance of a much better life with my maternal grandparents; your frightening me when you staggered through the house.

Things I regret : that you remained a weak victim of your father’s molestation that you suffered, and did not become a  father I could respect, that you gave up on yourself and tried to live your life through me. I’m afraid that covers it all.  Goodbye to you and all that.

About Nan Mykel

At 79, I was just about to stop keeping a journal, but that felt like accepting that growth was finished. I don't want to be finished, yet! I'm 80 now, and struggling to communicate with you, if you'll come and set awhile. P.S. My how time flies! I'm 82 now.
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