Choices or Reactions?

What’s the word for having trouble with perspective?  I’m loosey goosey in firm-footed perspective on many (most? All?) things. As a result I tend to be too acquiescent.

Looking back on my life I see that I am a reactor, not an actor.  I have gone with the flow until the flow ends me somewhere else.  Now, at 81 (I know, elsewhere on this blog I have miscounted my own age),  a decision to ACT  is too vulnerable to being discounted as the loosening of my marbles.

Intellect, Instinct or Genes?  Or Randomness? Or something else?

There are so many crossroads in  life!  I have been swept along, usually (always?) without a struggle.  I can see every side of an argument (usually) and can justly be called wishy-washy.  Anger is so far underground that it may  have mouldered away.  I suspect this is a woman issue.  How else to explain away the women who have voted for a man who denigrates, insults and dismisses  them so unashamedly?.

Tears come to my eyes when I think deeply about penguins, whose lives are entirely pre-scripted.  Their lives follow a narrow red carpet laid out before them. Why do I feel sorry for the penguins but not the migratory birds?  Come to think about of it, maybe humans?

I’ve also agreed with the wise ones who encourage us to “go with the flow.”   Ira Progoff says that we’re born with the seed in us of what we have the potential to become, if that isn’t limited or interfered with in some way to prevent our blossoming/becoming.

I apologize for (see, there I go again!)  entangling so many issues here,  but the fact is that they’re already  entangled. Oh, and I forgot, a second problem I struggle with is poor judgment.  That’s much more noticeable to others.  Maybe it’s just my ripe old age that  lets me look back and  notice the zig-zaggy path my life has taken. To tell the truth, I’d not be willing to have another chance to live this particular life because  I’m almost certain I wouldn’t end as well as I have,  despite all the detours, potholes and roadblocks. I’m remarkably content at 81, despite, or maybe because of,  the  narrow misses….





About Nan Mykel

At 79, I was just about to stop keeping a journal, but that felt like accepting that growth was finished. I don't want to be finished, yet! I'm 80 now, and struggling to communicate with you, if you'll come and set awhile. P.S. My how time flies! I'm 82 now.
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7 Responses to Choices or Reactions?

  1. ladynyo says:

    Nan…I find so much to empathize here. I, too….have been swept along with life and other’s opinions and demands. It is hard to go against that rotten tide. All the issues of a mother who was emotionally sadistic didn’t seem to shock me into revolt, but I tried to ‘curry’ favor with her which was such a position of defeat, impossible and denial of anger. It took a few things. One, I met a sadist….an Orthodox Jew in Montreal, who was a modern day de Sade….he was out to destroy women in every way he could. It took me a while to understand what he was and what he represented. it felt rather….familiar. I escaped that abuse and wrote about it extensively with articles on my blog about Narcissistic Rage, and sociopathy. The next thing was this: when I published my 3rd book, my mother said in a letter (one year later…she was so angry it took her a year to send it: :I can never be truly proud of you because you haven’t let me into your artistry:.
    This is the leitmotif of a true narcissist. It took e three years to respond to this destructive woman: I told her she was a path. narcissist. Of course that brought the ceiling donw on me by my two brothers who are and always will be her narcissistic supply line. I told her I refuse to be this further. There was a great sense of freedom in doing so, but I got further abuse…and frankly? I don’t care. people who abuse you because you don’t serve their ‘purpose’ are slavers.

    So, I can relate to most of what you write. And darling, you are not alone!
    Blessings on your head! Jane


  2. Nan I LOVE this. It’s really uplifting for me. You have a sense of humour and if I feel the way you do at 81 I’ll be content! (I think!)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nan Mykel says:

    I’m so very glad! Thanks mucho!


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