I’m going to try a daily journal here. I hope I can keep up with it at least through NaNoWriMo during November. I’ll try and keep postings secret (not in the reader) if I can. It’ll be self-centered, cutesy and barfy at times. I don’t usually censor myself in my journals (well, not usually). I’ll try not to mention it again here. So I’m off to give it a try.
4/29/17 10:28 a.m.
I’m a little sad today, missing my son who has disowned me and my grandbabies. I wonder how my dropping out of their lives was explained to them? I should have been cued to difficulties back when he asked if I put my photos of them up when I knew he was coming to visit…
I did another Kaleidoscope Show Tuesday. I interviewed Dru Evarts about the Supreme Court, which she spent two sabbaticals to serve as transcriber for (there were electronic recordings but she noted other things that were said or happened). I wasn’t as good as I was on my last show about a year and a half ago, and my comments were borderline silly/stupid, but at least I tried to keep my first show alive and kicking a little. It’s included on the ACTV23 site on You Tube I think, but I’m reluctant to view it. (I can’t get Access television on my old tv).
4/17/17 11:11 p.m.
Shannon took videos of the International Street Fair yesterday. I was asleep when she got back and she didn’t wake me, so I don’t know how it went. I saw in the paper, however, that at the happy international festivities 5 out-of-towners visited the fair bearing unconcealed weapons and smiles. A city policeman was on their heels the entire time. The visitors seemed to think that it was an action of overt goodwill and opportunity for discussion, but I declare I wonder about their judgment. I seriously wonder if men would be so attached to their guns if they were not phallus symbols? Maybe the entire hoo-haw relates back to castration anxiety?
4/17/17 4:30 a.m.
The Handmaiden’s Midnight Lament
There’s a dragon in my head that eats its tail all night–some nights–when I’m trying to come up with a poem and calm myself. It’s trying to devour the past–things I did not do and should have, failures at parenting, failures of empathy and love for those closest to me, yawning chasms in my development, acceptance of insults, responding to slights by turning the other cheek. Doing by not doing. I am being punished and not only by myself. Too late to do naught but acknowledge it. I do not seek absolution. Only I know my most important failures. The most helpful response is to say nothing. I know whereof I speak. Why give myself away like this? I’m posting it in my Daily Journal, which I never acknowledge in my other posts, and do not list a category or tag for.
Well, it’s 5:06 a.m. on the 14th really, but I can remember something that happened on the 13th. A year ago I shared that my H & R Block lady felt so sorry for me and my royalties that she said she was going to buy my book. (Yeah…sure! Nice thought, tho!) Well you can imagine my surprise today when she said she had bought it and what’s more had it with her for me to autograph! What’s more, I worked 5 hours piecing together some vintage (over 20 years) videos of life in Athens (Ohio) for my almost totally defunct public access show “Kaleidoscope”. I wish I could keep it up regularly. I know it’s not a thrill to look at an 81-year old face on the tube, but it just occurred to me that I could use one of those horrible scary frowning photos of me I’ve used on my blog from time to time, such as:
Throwing out more:
Where ere I go my nose goes first.
Lain tile lies down after laying.
She’s always left with unpopped corn.
Did you ever devour sour flour?
Not making great progress with this here journal, but plugging along. I saw Marjorie Stone at Bob Evans today and she asked me what time my show was on! Made me want to start doing it again. I wonder if Alexa would do it with me on a monthly basis? Gee, was it only this morning that I went to the prose group at the library? I know tonight I looked at the videotape I did of my visit to Dachau in 1989. to see if it would make a 15-minute Home Video. It was an hour and I watched every minute of it and realize if it plays again it will need a disclaimer, or warning about graphic content. I almost got nauseated. Now I remember something I should have entered yesterday but don’t have a protocol on how to handle mishaps like that….Yesterday was hectic primarily because when I turned my computer on the writing across he screen was sideways. I was finally able to do a little something with it by physically tilting and balancing my monitor sideways. Then I was delayed in finding my car keys to go to writing group but found them in time for the group but not in time for a cup of coffee to take to group…I reached up on the shelf in my closet to see what small paperback was lying on its back up there. It turned out to be Lewis Thomas’ Lives of a Cell, which had been recommended in something I read recently. Today is Nikki’s birthday–75th birthday, as Bob pointed out in an e-mail and in the notice he had entered in the blog “Find a Grave.” I’m eating so much garbage I’m getting too fat. I haven’t found anything to replace the comfort I get from eating something good–mainly sweet. I remember once when I was thin, looking in the mirror and being a little frightened by my reflection–it looked so strong-minded and assertive if not aggressive. I don’t now! I’m a push-over, but mainly because i’m frail. (No, I’m kidding myself, it’s because I’m still so non-assertive. I got a nice surprise today when I received words of support from a survivor I had tried to support from time to time. Nice feeling! I guess homo sapiens is doing okay after all, despite the me-first you-food survival instinct we live and die with, even tho our conscience twinges from time to time. I think that’s enough for tonight, don’t you, imaginary reader over my shoulder?
My editorial assistant-turned household helper accomplished a lot today in 2 hours. She hung and padlocked a bird feeder, hung a collage in the bathroom, fixed my curtains so I can look at the bird feeder, etc. Moe than that, but those were the most exciting things. And going through my throwaways I found a short story I wrote in the eleventh grade, titled “The Boy With the Big Ears.”
The days are beginning to clump together and I feel like I’m accomplishing nothing, so I’m going to try hard to enter at least one thing I’ve accomplished each day to feel like I’m still alive. Sleeping all day will NOT count.
After seeing Dr. Gau I stopped by Access and checked out a camera for Saturday and Sunday. I edited down an Indian pow wow to 15 minutes for Home videos. If Shannon ever contacts me again I’m going to see if she can do some housekeeping for me…It snowed last night and I’ve been sorting socks. The writing group today liked my meagre beginning of the writer struggling both to write and get experience I want to finish the collage today and make some — calling cards? Bsiness cards? Not sure what they’re called these days..
Yesterday I got far as the date…
My how time flies! Not so active a week, Visited Mandy in her new area (6050A). It seems possible they really moved her because Athena was bugging her so much. Her new area is probably underpopulated. Mandy’s roommate is elderly and Mandy says she can’t talk. The room seems smaller than she had. Residents in 50A don’t go to the AG (sports) center but do go to the Senior Center. Personally, I would prefer to live in her prior building. I don’t know why they haven’t put her in her own room–there’s room to spare! The excuse they gave for moving her is that residents in the community can now move into GDC and the county doesn’t have to pay for them for 6 months, and they anticipate getting some “high risk” residents, and they say they’re moving Mandy for her own safety. Maybe Sallie can find out why blind/deaf/mute Barb didn’t get moved. I gave Mandy my little stuffed polar bear and we both got a pair of suglasses at Dollar Tree, and visited the river. They’ve built a kind of smallish bleachers along the bank. Maybe in anticipation of some open air shows like they have in Pt. Pleasant? Mandy’s address 6050A indicates that there’s a 5060B wing attached, where the frailest/most disabled live. Not sure if there are any more disabled totally bedridden folks–like babies etc.–in the Adminisration building or not. My poem “Metaphor” has been selected to be one of many in d’Verse’s 2016-17 Anthology.
Cousin Jean just phoned from her home in Hawaii. She’s the one who keeps my father’s side of the family up and communicating, and it is her birthday. So great to hear from her. I told her I’d call her back on my birthday…
Daughter Sallie and husband John are in the air as we speak, heading out from Seattle to China. It is John’s first trip abroad, and they’ll be gone about 10 days. I just tried to call Mandy but she’s asleep. I videotaped a 1-hour presentation on turtles today for Public Access. Am also making a slowed-down video of halloween to insert on Home Videos (15 minutes). This photo I took last year is sort of reflective. Maybe I can recall how to write over it, with it as a background:
Happy birthday to my son Ian Mykel. This week was a very different one for me. A habitual avoidant recluse, I attended “Snake Talk” — described as “a disquieting and feminist performance that navigates interspecies intimacy, feminine voraciousness, and wild, unfettered dancing” at the Ridges auditorium; a trip to Gallipolis to visit my daughter Mandy at GDC; an invigorating evening of African music at Mem Aud; a great leg o’lamb at Alexa’s (with me driving 2 others in the dark); and a luncheon birthday party at the “yadies lunch bunch.” Happy Birthday, dear Ian.
Oh yes, and I had he longest, most intricate dream last night than in a long time. (I went to bed at 3 pm after writing a poem for d’Verse). Too long to tell, but includes a new group/class meeting in my livingroom scheduled through the local school system. About 8 people with all kinds of emotions evidenced and I was teaching assertiveness and getting in touch with your feelings. At another point in the dream I ran through a genteel social gathering in my livingroom, physically fighting with a woman who had taken my man. There were also animals and cars parked outside and drawn shades vs inside the woman’s parked car being in view making out with my man, etc. Shades going up and down. Too complicated for my dream journal. P.S. “My man” is a fantasy.
My family has come and gone, taking their cheewawa with them. John helped me decide on a new blog presentation, and both of them picked ou some books hey’d like. (No, maybe John didn’t, but he was invited to.) hey were kind enough to take two glass containers of pennies to Krogers to run them through the coin-sorting machine. Returned with $42!
11-24 and 25-16
My old friend John Cooke visited Monday and as usual we had our deep, deep talks about realism, “God,” politics, free will, etc. I only see him about once a year, and that’s the only time I have someone to deep talk with. I used to deep talk some with my son until he ran me off.
I quit holding up. I quit, and was immediately flooded with the lifting of a great weight I had been carrying around; only problem is that I forgot about my daily journal.
See, this double date means I started the recent day’s blog at 12:06 a.m., so it will include both days. I anticipate the arrival of my daughter and son-in-law in the wee hours of this day/night, with a cheewawa they have picked out for me. We’ll see…
Half the month is gone and I have typed only 14,600 words! I need to do 3,333 words in the next 15 days. Ooof! I should not have signed up for NaNoWriMo but I also don’t want to quit (be a “quitter”) Time will tell how long I hold out.
I took a big load to Re-Use today and only came home wth a large bust of Santa Claus. I wrote a deplorable poem entitled Sudoku for tomorrow. Skimped significantly on NaNoWriMo. John Cooke is coming in one week. I need to get any heavy Christmas presents wrapped so Sallie and John can drive them down in their car in case I take a plane to Christmas. We haven’t decided what to do for Mandy’s birthday.
I can’t believe I lost this day! I went to Gallipolis as usual. Mandy was crying when I entered the area but she was almost immediately smiling. She has a new roommate and there’s a new woman in the adjoining room, with Athena. While I was there the new woman, Betty, broke loose and ran out the door with her one on one chasing her. I alerted Teresa because only one peerson couldn’t do much with a frisky determined young woman. Maybe some of these changes put Mandy in labile stage.
Should I reward myself with a written enty for a ho hum day? I took one load to Re-Use today and only came back with two Xmas ornaments and 2 books…..I hope to take another load tomorrow and return with nothing! I’ve got to get Christmas things ready for Sallie and John’s auto trip back home in case I decide to fly to Atlanta Christmas. Cathy is going to move away next year….
Spent two enjoyable hours at Dru’s luncheon. The topic drifted to memories from elementary school. Sarah has had the first 2 surgeries toward cure of her parkinsons. Two more left. She looked gorgeous today with a knit headgear (blue), top (blue) and her eyes (blue.) My assistant Shannon came over and helped me tonight. Got my computer and printer working again, saved many photos I had given her to scan. I took a check to Linda today because I found myself in her neighborhood.
Trying to keep my immune response in shape.
Trump won via the electoral college. Clinton won the popular vote. I’ve been non-productive today.
I know this isn’t entertaining to anyone reading this, but then It’s not really posted and not in my reader, so few will stumble upon it, and it’s not supposed to be entertaining anyway, just to reflect back to me what I’m doing with my life. I atended Prose group today and voted, then finished editing last week’s poetry group for Access tv.. Tonight I’m going to one of the few parties I’ve been to in years, I think. An election night party at the home of Robin, in my poetry group. I’m driving Cathy, who has trouble driving in the dark. Still plugging away at NaNoWriMo.
Yes, yesterday I took Mandy out to lunch and bought her a new “juicer” for her notepad (if that’s the name for it). My computer changed to daylight savings time about 9 – 10 a.m. so I arrived on time. Finally got Sallie to respond to my e-mails. She bought a dog for me–a chiwawa, the only dog I originally told her I didn’t want. Oh well, I guess I’m not the chiwawa’s ideal mistress, so we’re even. We’ll tolerate each other. If worst comes to worse I’ll ger her a playmate. Alexa’s an election poll volunteer–she’s going to be a “justice” at my precinct, which is right around the corner and she has to be trained at 6 a.m. (or at least rise by 5 am) so she’s spending the night and came with a marvelous dinner she’d prepared.
Not absolutely sure of the time–is it spring forward and fall back? If so then I have an exra hour today. I forgot to mention that Friday I observed a drug transaction in the parking lot at Wendy’s and reported it to the police. The suspects seemed very unconcerned about getting caught. I was in a long slow-moving line a Wendy’s, long enough to sit and watch it for several minutes. I have mixed feelings about pot, but it could have been heroin or worse. All right, my mixed feelings about pot have to do with my intent to be a “good girl.”
Just making sure I touch base later today. Just wrote and published “The Lady and the Tramp.” Later posted “Paranoid or Prescience?” I remember now where my title came from–a Disney film, wasn’ it?
Well, I’m not the shining star of NaNoWriMo, due in part to occasional sleepiness and in part due to computer messups. The worst thing I did today: Didn’t edit a full hour Kaleidoscope (47 min.) Too much editing too many things at the same time. The best thing I did today: Washed the grease out of two frying pans. I’m still working on editing Tuesday’s Poet’s Corner. Went to Dru’s luncheon and was appropriate. Last night I dreamed a woman who had led a program in an auditorium was unable to stand up–she was lying down on a bench and could scarcely speak and couldn’t stand up. Last night Alexa took me as a guest to a dinner and there was a speaker on calcium and osteoporosis. I couldn’t hear much of it so will have Alexa give me the gist of it. John Cooke is coming to visit Nov. 21. I’m going to ask him why last time he criticized the cemetery across the street. I’ll offer the two small tapestries he gave me back to him, since ….
I predicted correctly yesterday: I was too tired to do my 1600+ NaNoWriMo writing so today I must compensate with a 3,000+ entry. I started about 2 p.m. and fell asleep after words, and had almost missed a free dinner Alexa invited me to. in the Plains. I rushed and arrived on time, but now it’s after 8 p.m. and I have mucho typing yet to do. I did empty out 2 notebooks tonight, tho. In one of the notebooks I emptied out I came across the following quote: “After all, it is no more surprising to be born twice than it is to be born once.” Voltaire quoted by by Philip Kapleau, p. 39, The Wheel of Death. Due to cleanup, I’m discarding “Psychology and Anomalous Observations–The Question of ESP in Dreams by Irvin L. Child, Yale University in American Psychologist Nov. 1985, p. 1219. Tonight I stopped at 4020 words, total.
It’s only 9:39 p.m. and I’m already ready for bed. But I have more than sixteen hundred words to type yet. I figured I’d better write in my daily journal first, or I may not get it done today. Did some editing at public access and had dinner with Cathy at Casa. I checked with Casa, they don’t have my cell phone…Hope it’s here under all the junk. The only children’s book topic I could think of today was one called “Doctor Dog.”…MY DRYER IS ON THE BLINK AGAIN!
Several times recently it has gone on the blink but then resumed working again, by itself…. I just went in and tried and `…it started working again!. I noticed the bottom of the dtyer door wasn’t engaging all the way….When I edited the local Halloween Parade today I was able to see it all and a superlative job it was. I have never seen a more creative and jam-packed parade, I kid you not.
I forgot to add that yesterday I dumped myself totally out of my rolling chair at my computer, which reminds me of a dream of 30 years ago that I traveled all the way home from my work in my rolling office chair. I videotaped the Poetry group today. I may post Patricia Black’s Trump poem if she okays it. The group had lunch at Lui Lui’s. I bought a large piece of chocolate cheesecake and we passed it around the table to share. I gave Matt a new extra 3 Tetra hard drive and he helped with my borderline personality tape and my share of the Halloween parade for Kaleidoscope. I still need to edit Halloween and also today’s poetry group. I had great trouble learning how to work NaNoWriMo but managed to get 1712 words written for my first day. This was after 9 p.m. and a visit to a NaNoWriMo computer writing meeting at Tim Horton’s coffee shop.—. Ruth joined me and broke the ice. An inrovert, I sat separate since I came early, and did not introduce myself. It was not clear there was a leader present, tho it was obvious they all loved each other, and get together weekly and write together on their computers. The “leader,” as it turns out worked at the Dollar Tree a couple of Christmases ago, and when I told about the woman with a lovely voice who paused as she left the store to sing all of a Christmas carol, she laughed and said she had forgotten all about that, and was working at Dollar tree that day. The 1712 words I wrote tonight were useless, except that I got the idea to write a children’s book–It felt like it would be fun. If only I were good enough to illustrate it! Something to think about when I go to bed and speaking of going to bed, I’d better take the recycling out, it’s Tuesday night. Shucks–I can’t remember
It’s been a looong day, partly due to my spending time to pair up socks to take to Re-Use, along with other items from my stash. I’ve put on a tad of weight so that the tops of my socks are too small–maybe they shrank. Then the trip to Re-Use where I deposited many items and only returned with two new items. I stopped by the local grocery and bought a loaf of birdseed bread and what I thought was deviled egg mix but it turned out to be yellow potato salad. It made an ok sandwich, tho. While I ate my sandwich (actually two) I caught a little hair-pulling on CNN with all the uproar about the war between our FBI and Justice department. I’ve set a goal for myself of disposing of one notebook a day. My daughter and her hubby are coming for Thanksgiving and I figure maybe my home office will be halfway there by then…. Update on new bed so I won’t fall out: There’s a full size futon in my guest bedroom, used 3 or 4 times a year by my kids. And it’s made of wood and soooo heavy. So I’m going to start sleeping on it except when I have visitors. Masterful time and effort and money decision!….I probably did reach my goal of discarding (after emptying a bunch of stuff into large envelopes) a notebook today. I didn’t have time to meditate more on Trump being the Anti-Christ.
Then, my downer of the day: Can’t figure out how to get a photo of me onto the beginning of NaNoWriMo, which begins tomorrow morning . And I don’t understand how to set up the correct widget to record the number of words I type. And my assistant has not responded to my call for help. Tomorrow morning I will attend my poetry group at the library and videotape it for public access and while it’s downloading I’ll find someone who can hook me up correctly to Nanowrimo and then start my fingers a-flying. It’s 11:30 p.m. now and I have to go write a poem for tomorrow.
if I threw anything away today, per my earlier goal.
Although local folks celebrated Halloween in Athens last night, other folks at the Gallipolis Developmental Center are looking forward to a Halloween dance tomorrow
night, the traditional Halloween. Kevin Jolley and his band won’t be making the music because he died last month. In fact, I was going to take Mandy to the “bones show” which is currently in Gallipolis, at the library, today, but am afraid it would propel her back into grief about Kevin, her favorite nurse. We ate at her restaurant of choice–McDonald’s–and had a salad and yogurt parfait. After returning her to GDC, I paused on the campus and videotaped vultures settling down (a little bit) for the night. Driving home it occurred to me that perhaps Donald Trump could be thought of as the Anti-Christ, but why then are so many environmentals (I mean evangelicals) supporting him?
Tomorrow is the last day I’m free of NaNoWriMo for a month, and I’m trying to discard and/or transfer hoarded items to large envelopes (thus getting rid of many notebooks which
take up space.) Material from Ira Progoff’s long-ago workshop is ditched. I have his (signed) book, “At a Journal Workshop,” anyway. He says intensive journaling is designed to bring about a breakthrough in awareness and a recognition of the inner direction and meaning of our lives. ..I am grateful for my life and situation. I sense a potential weakness in my ability to cope with any significant hardship or loss related to Mandy. My guilt feelings and over-identification with her still renders me vulnerable……Why are my eyelids getting so heavy at 10:30 p.m.?
10/29/16 – Professor David Perkins likes to tell this story: Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi was getting on a train. One of his sandals slipped off and fell to the ground. The train was moving, and there was no time to go back. Without hesitation, Gandhi took off his second sandal and threw it toward the first. Asked by his colleague why he did that, he said one sandal wouldn’t do him any good, but two would certainly help someone else.
Today is Halloween. I drove Alexa around town so she could videotape partiers on their porches and those heading for Court Street late this afternoon, for public access television footage. In the process I accidentally drove a little way up a one-way street. Partiers on the porches informed us we were going the wrong way, and I was able to turn around without being apprehended. When a fire truck roared by a block away Alexa thought for a moment it was the police, after me
Today’s pick from “No Nirvana Without Samsara,” by Sam Keen: “Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.”
I’d love to keep two sheets about Loren Eiseley, but there’s no space for him. I love his “Star Thrower.” Ditto for “The Socrates Cafe” by or about Christopher Phillips. –O, It’s An Interview with Christopher Phillips” by Kathy Juline, possibly in The Sun. I’m adding something to Journaling, then discarding it…A quote on the back of a theater flyer: From Will Durant: “We are drops of water trying to understand the sea.”….From 10-9-77 journal: I don’t want to ride my unicorn alone….Woman: A leaf in the wind, ink in the pen. Difficult often for the ink to willingly flow to someone else’s words or intent; difficult to know when humility and humbleness is a virtue, or whether the job to be done is to focus one’s energies on willful intervention and willfulness towards the good as perceived by Self. Writing can be my life raft, a floating perspective which may not reflect reality but gives the illusion of an anchoring, a place to be in the grey void. Perhaps I can start a collection of truth and beauty and ideals and place it in a chapel for my soul. …Where shall I go but towards the center?
I think I already put this in my blog: “Me and My Shadow”:Watch out! My Shadow’s on the loose with beaked visage, dressed in puce. He’s up to no good, I can tell, trailing his embers sraight from hell.
I’m discarding this, but folks should know the following info exists from Ray Strischek, 10810 Peach Ridge Road, Athens– A 20-page article on How to Use An Atlatl and Dart including types, strained muscles, kinds, etc, Sleep– Sleep is my fiend. It is the womb to me, a safe harbor. Is it nature’s way of telling death can be all embracing, a safe harbor?
Are we our history, or are we free of our history? Certainly our history lives in us. I think I cling to my history due to my struggle with perspective.
Numbing the head is one way to pass through a life of Let’s Pretend.
Down in the Mouth: Am I falling apart or is the world? And does it matter anyway since I can’t see 10 feet ahead. Sometimes I think of turning the clock back to the safety of the womb and arriving stillborn.
“Lighten Up!” I have a guardian angel who helps me find my VISA card and when I leave my keys hanging in the lock at night keeps them safe for me. Someow this angel can exist without a God. It’s just me and my angel strutting along the boulevard.
A false begining to something that never took off follows::
The city of Miami Springs was being baked as the funeral van inched down the cemetary’s twisting dirt pathway to the burial site. Polly and Ziggy clutched each other’s hand as the black vehicle rolled to a stop. Their father sat a moment before stepping away from the passenger’s seat, and opened the rear door for his twin daughters. The two– referred to as the Cranberries due to the color of their hair, had started sniffling again. There was no other family to comfort them. Dad blew his nose more loudly than usual. They sat under the spreading oak as their minister prayed. And then it was time for Polly and Ziggy to drop their flowers in on top of Mom’s casket, as Dad looked on. G’nite